Saturday, March 31, 2012

The World's Worst Baker

For years I have been plagued with the notion that I am in fact the World’s Worst Baker.  Growing up, I often found myself alone in the kitchen somewhat scrounging for food.  No, I wasn’t some charity case, bare cupboards, latchkey kid… but in some ways, looking back on it with the prospective of a grown man, I indeed was.  Mom worked extremely hard to keep us clothed and fed.  She worked second shift for a good portion of my teen years, while also going to school for her degree.  As kids, my brother and I came to know leftovers as our best meals, but often we either cooked canned foods or microwave dinners on our own.  And I, with an insatiable sweet tooth, loved making boxed brownies and cookies off the Toll House recipe on the back of the bag.  However, that was the extent of my baking ability. 


Truth be told, I love cooking on a stovetop.  I love being able to immediately change my food with a sprinkle of cayenne or basil, taste test every moment, and put my nose up close and smell the juices meld into the dish.  The idea of measuring and prepping and not opening the oven door for 15 straight minutes is hard to stomach.  And then enter into my life three incredible bakers.  Sherré who makes these giant ginger cookies, and I am not one that ever liked ginger, but these with a moist crunch and dense buttery flair of what I never knew ginger could be, they made me sad that I couldn’t be trusted to follow a recipe.  Then Lisa whose coconut toffee cookies and banana bread became legal tender that put today’s gold standard to shame.  And her German Chocolate Brownie Torte is still number one on the all-time top five of “Oh My God” foods.  And now Lora’s scones, which ruined my perception of the dense and dry baked hockey pucks depicted as television fodder.  They emanate golden light as if their main ingredients were halos and unicorn horns.  These bakers became my only source of glory, yet each of them played it off as if they were just following a recipe.


So my big idea: Follow a recipe. 

This, after the fact, is laughable.

I woke up this morning craving scones.  And knowing that neither Lisa nor Lora would be able to accommodate these cravings (both very busy) I decided to make my own.  After all, I did see Paula Dean make scones on TV last weekend, and she made it look very easy.  So with an empty stomach and a fist full of laptop, I found myself the first recipe on Google’s search.  And there it was, Apricot Ginger Scones.  It called for apricots, crystalized ginger, and heavy cream.  And since I didn’t have any of those I figured what the hell I’ll wing it.  I believe it was 3 minutes and 28 seconds into my idea of following a recipe that I decided to no longer worry about a recipe.

Substitutes… well there was no fruit in the house, dried or fresh.  Instead, thanks to my roommates “go to” pie (yes even my roommate can bake) we had ample supplies of walnuts and chocolate chips.  And then was born a new recipe for Chocolate Chip Walnut Scones!  Still no heavy cream… in fact I stopped drinking milk all together about 8 weeks ago, but we do have Soy Milk, and I’m sure that’s… close… enough?  With all of my substitutes completed, I found myself half a stick of butter shy of my buttery needs, so spreadable butter with canola oil would have to do.  And not the frozen butter the scones called for… I’m not waiting for room temperature butter to freeze, I’m frickin’ hungry now!
If you’re keeping track at home, I have basically changed 2/3rds of the recipe… but I did use the right amounts of sugar, flour, baking powder, and salt… well maybe not salt (I eyeballed that one), but basically all the dry goods.  Here’s what I came up with:


Chocolate Chip Walnut Scones

2 cups (10 ounces) unbleached all-purpose flour
1 tablespoon baking powder
1/4 cup sugar
1 teaspoon ground ginger some chopped walnuts
1/2 teaspoon salt some salt
6 tablespoons unsalted butter, frozen and cut into 1/4-inch cubes ½ stick room temp butter with 2 scoops of buttery spread
3/4 cup chopped moist dried apricots some chocolate chips
1/4 cup crystallized ginger, roughly chopped
1 cup heavy cream 1 cup soy milk

I mixed the dry goods, then poured in the soy milk and cut pieces of butter into the sticky ball.  And you know what, it actually smelled delicious!  I then got my hands dirty and gently kneaded the dough for about 30 seconds.  I pounded out the ball into a 10 inch wide circle on a floured surface, then cut the dough into 8 wedges and baked them at 425 for 14 minutes.  I didn’t even open the oven door… more than 4 times.

So you read this far… what do you think?  Were they horribly dry, 2 inch thick, flour tortilla chips with a walnutty aftertaste?  Or were they incredible nuggets of Easter bunny hearts, still warm and flaky?  Well I can tell you this… I never thought I’d like It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia… I mean Danny DeVito is over the hill and that theme music from 50’s television, what’s up with that!?  But, for me, Charlie Day is just really watchable as an idiot… kinda the way I expect people felt about Gilligan back in the day.

Thursday, March 22, 2012

Number 9 on my Top 5

So I decided to include dating when writing my New Year's Resolution list... Number 9 on my top five.  I've decided to avoid Match.com because it's a waste of money, and I made the Craigslist mistake once too... not again!  So I am sticking to Plenty of Fish, a free online dating site.  Online dating has worked for a few friends, and I've met a few incredible women online, so here's to hope!  Now all I had to do was write a catchy profile, and for this I've gone with an adaptation of sorts from an idea that was used on Craigslist to find a roommate (search Best Roommate Ever).  I did use this at one point in the past, but I've tweaked it a little (and when I did use it, I honestly wasn't even ready to date).  So here goes!  You can also see this on my POF profile, WassilyArcs.

POF Profile for WassilyArcs
I can only assume that my future is reading this right now, so hello for the first time my wonderful better half (can I also say, you are looking really damn good tonight!)... and for those of you reading that are not her, well thank you for stopping by and feel free to say hello, I am all for new friends and you're obviously really cool. I must also assume you are looking for the best possible guy. He's funny, he's handsome, and there's just enough spark to keep you happy. And you (just like I) seriously think you can find them in a random webpage profile. Friends might even ask you, as they have me, "Are you ****ing crazy?" Well, I'm not crazy... and I hope this is a positive in your eyes. I also have no open warrants, no random babies running around, no outstanding parking tickets, never spent a night in jail (though I secretly wish I had), and I've only been caught speeding once. Does this mean I am some sort of perfect do gooder, **** no... I'm just not all that dangerous.

Now why would you believe me? A lot of guys just tell you what you want to hear. Why? Well they want to get in your pants. Do I want to get in your pants? Of course! You're a foxy woman, and after a few dates I am going to romance those pants right off... but until then, I promise to be a gentlemen (well, mostly). What about after the loss of said pants... am I going to run for the hills? No! I just spent several dates getting to know you, I'm not leaving, I'm probably going to want breakfast... my treat! And if all goes well at breakfast, another date! So... am I lying? I can't lie to you... not because it's wrong, but because I know it would hurt you... so I can't mentally do it. This goes for pretty much everyone in my life (excluding work). That means no cheating and no stealing too, cause I just can't lie to you.

So why am I worth your time? I'm going to spend my life trying to make yours better, everyday. You have a flat tire, I'm there. You're hungry and we forgot to go shopping, I'm creating a three course meal dinner impossible style, or calling your favorite take out place, your choice. You think I forgot our anniversary? PSYCH! I get you a thoughtful gift and take you to dinner (minimum)... and I skip any other social obligation because you are the person that matters most. Christmas? I got you that thing you mentioned you wanted 8 months ago in passing, cause yeah I was ****ing listening. Is that all I got you, hell no... 23 gifts from big to small, romantic to practical, I covered all the bases. You had a bad day at work, well sit down and talk to me about it, I'll make you a drink and rub your feet (and yeah my foot massage will turn your day around). You think the bathroom is too small, well I just ripped down a wall and expanded, putting in a two person jacuzzi, grab the champagne cause it's time to relax! You want to go on vacation, well let's burn some personal days and head to Monaco! It's warm, it's on the water, it has tons of history and Paris isn't that far away!

With all that said, am I some mamby pamby pushover? sh*t no, I just make exceptions for the love of my life. I want to come home and give you a hug after my day, and spend time with you, even hear what's new with that coworker of yours. I am out the door when you need time alone, and home when you want to cuddle while watching How I Met Your Mother. I split the chores with you, but I secretly do more just to make your life easier. I split the bills with you, and I pay early. I take you out to just as many dinners as you take me to. I can cook meatloaf, salmon, chicken masala... you're a vegetarian??? I am studying how to cook for you right now... and I can't say I'll give up meat, but I will certainly eat less of it!

What are the dealbreakers? Well I am me, and though I will change a little for you over time, you might not like some things about me. I will divulge these now. I voted for Obama, support a woman's right to choose, and think that gay people should have the same rights as everyone else. I am not overly political, but I do believe we should vote and pay attention. I believe in a greater power, but I'm not here to judge your beliefs or force mine on you. Can I see both sides, yes... and if I am missing one, I will damn sure try to learn. Kids, yes I would love to have kids... in a perfect world. But if the love of my life doesn't want kids, then I chose the love of my life. There are so many other areas in life to spend effort and time, and kids would be fun but so would 3 vacations a year. I drive a crappy car, why? Because I'd rather drive a crappy car to a home I own, than drive a nice car to an apartment. Do I smoke, no... it's disgusting. Do I do drugs, no but I am not anti-drug. Do I drink, sometimes... and I like it, but I know my limits.

Now that this has been said, I like ambiance, good lighting, booths over chairs, windows, I prefer Life over Monopoly by far, but I would really love to find someone that plays a little cribbage or backgammon or Settlers of Catan or Ticket to Ride, I enjoy going to Brewers games, and went to two this summer, I try to grill out or have a bonfire at least once a month, I haven't missed a Packer game on TV or Radio in the last 20 years, I have picked pumpkins from the pumpkin patch and carved them with friends every year for the last four years, I get a real Christmas tree every year, and decorate it with whomever might be around that day, I have two guitars that haven't been played in 2 years, but I still want to learn, I enjoy oil paints over acrylic and watercolor, though I really don't paint that often, it is my goal to play tennis once a week this summer, as well as disc golf twice a week, and hit the gym 4 times a week. I grew vegetables this summer in my garden (yeah that's right, a ****ing garden!). If I had to choose, my drink of choice would be water (no, that doesn't make me boring). Milk is a close second (still not boring!), a good beer is third (right now I'm craving a Central Waters Cream Ale). I love writing, I consider myself a writer. I also love cooking, my favorite thing to make is pan seared crusted salmon with a dijon dill dipping sauce, I make a better meatloaf than your mom (if you don't believe me, we'll duel Iron Chef style!). Vegetable of choice: broccoli.

Someday I want to be a successful writer, win a few awards, and have a huge bank account, until then I will struggle through my cubicle life with just enough money to be happy. In the end, that dream is still just a job. In life I find love much more important. That's where you come in. Have I told you how good you look today?


Why do I like you so much? You know how to relax and love to get out into sunlight and rainstorms. You enjoy boardgames, movies, tv, and are willing to play tennis, maybe even disc golf, build a snowman or sandcastle, and you introduce me to something new every once in a while. You're a woman that loves me for the best version of me, and sticks with me when I'm at my worst. And just so you know, the worst of me still comes with respect, devotion, doesn't cheat, doesn't lie, and has your back at all cost. The best of me is better yet, and you make me even greater.

So I like that you are a procrastinator, but send me a message already!

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

A Man's World

That last button at the brink of the collar just before you put on a black bowtie… it’s tight, you go from comfort to custom, a uniform of modern wedding culture.  And yes, of course, the classic James Bond comes to mind, but more than that you’re one part night club sleek badass ladies man with a gun under his vest, and the other part leashed lap dog dressed up for show and freshly neutered.  Sure you’ll have Bond moments throughout the evening but this wedding isn’t yours, it’s a ladies affair filled with flowers and pictures, bubbles and dancing.  The closest you’ll get to feeling like a man is that one shot you’ll do with some old college buddies, and before you can set up a second round it’ll be time to mingle, MINGLE with your new in-law grandparents.

I have no desire to go to another cliché girly wedding just to watch the groom slip into a walking coma unable to enjoy more than an ounce of his wedding night.  You know he won’t even get laid tonight, she’ll be way too tired after such an exhibition.  Maybe it’s time we spin this party round, and make sure the groom has a little fun before his demise.
Drinks, dinner, cake, dancing… none of the classics will be touched.  After dinner, lavish curtain are pulled back on seven makeshift rooms surrounding the main party.  These seven wonders are filled with different celebratory atmospheres. The first room will house the wedding cake and an espresso bar with a barista to take your orders.  The second room, a photo booth with costumes, props, and a photographer to assist in taking pictures.  The third will have couches and three televisions, each with a different game (Goleneye for N64, Mario Kart Double Dash for Gamecube, and Tekken Tag for PS2).  The fourth room will have hundreds of pictures from birth to proposal of the bride and groom along with a signing photo.  The fifth will be set up for beer pong, cups, and quarters and have its own keg of beer.  The sixth room will be a massage parlor with two massage therapists, tantalizing scents, and 15 minute chair massages.  And the seventh room will serve as a private sitting space where the bride and groom can disappear whenever they need a few moments of time together or to talk with special guests.
Seven wonders, and not all of them just for the boy inside the man, but seven wonders of compromise to be enjoyed by all ages and partygoers.  And though they sound expensive, once you get rid of half the flowers, the overpriced dress, centerpieces, photographers, and cakes, the cost will be about the same… and your wedding will be more memorable than any affair I’ve ever been to.  This is a man’s world, and I revel in the though… but it would be nothing, nothing, not one little thing without a woman or a girl.

Sunday, January 22, 2012

New Years Resolution UPDATES

This will be the blog post I use to make updates to my New Years Resolution list... the other blog post was entirely too long.

New Year’s Resolution 2012:
1. Write at least 1 blog post every month. Yes this is one less per month than last year’s goal, but it only doubles what I’ve done already, so it feels like the right number. Eventually I would like to blog weekly.  UPDATE - I AM WRITING ONE NOW!!  I also wrote one in February.

2. Join a fitness club and go no less than twice a week, also go vegetarian for 2 full weeks. I really like the idea of going vegetarian for a few weeks (this one is inspired by Derrick and Sherre, and I may need some help with it). I think it will challenge me as a chef, and teach me a few new healthy meals. Also I need to put fitness in the forefront of my life, so instead of setting arbitrary weight loss goals, let’s just work out.  UPDATE - I JUST JOINED ADVENTURE 212 WITH NICK N, AND SEVERAL OTHERS ARE JOINING TOO... GOOD SUPPORT SYSTEM.
UPDATE - 5 weeks strong.

3. Three Home Projects, Basement Paint, Basement Floor, Bathroom Counter. Home projects are game changers! Completing another basement room means I have more storage to reduce clutter, and a nicer basement to attract new roommates. A new bathroom counter is the start of redoing a bathroom that thoroughly needs it, and I’d like to create my own tile bathroom counter, so it will challenge me artistically as well.  UPDATE - The date is set for the Basement floor... now I just have to choose what to put down.

4. Get 4 massages and take 4 car loads of stuff to Goodwill. I needed a few softballs in my lineup, and this is a split. Four massages seems easy, but it will improve my overall state of relaxation, and I think that is very important. Four carloads of stuff to Goodwill is much tougher, but the reduced clutter will help create a better home life.  UPDATE - WHEN JOINING ADVENTURE 212, I RECEIVED HALF OFF A MASSAGE... Used it, great 90 minute massage.

5. Use 5000 lights for Christmas decorating. Softball? Maybe… but 5000 lights is double my best Christmas lighting year at the house and this year I only used about 1000 lights. This should give me an attainable creative goal in the early winter months. Also, my house has the saddest Christmas lights on my street... time to show them who's Tony.  UPDATE - BOUGHT SOME NEW CARDINALS WITH CHRISTMAS LIGHTS IN THEM.

6. Get 6 members of the family to stay overnight in Point. This goal isn’t easy. My family is fucked up beyond repair, but it would be great to have some family members up, and have a nice old fashioned family vacation style night with the cousins and aunts and uncles…

7. Spend 7 nights out of town, represent The Globe at Comicon, and spend nights at both Kristeve’s house and Roger’s house. So Comicon is the big one, that’s 3 nights out of town minimum, but I haven’t stayed over much at Kristin and Steve’s, and still haven’t seen Roger’s house or kiddo. Now, with that said, I haven’t seen Katharine and Drew in ages, or Laura, or Derrick’s new baby boy, or the Felder’s house… that list could go on for a while. Let’s start with these and see if we can get further.  UPDATE - ONE OF MY FAVORITE PEOPLE IN THE WORLD SNAGGED ME A 7 NIGHT STAY IN A FLORIDA CONDO FOR $250!  SO THAT WILL TAKE CARE OF 7 NIGHTS RIGHT THERE, BUT ALSO COMICON IS A GO!!!

8. Finish 8 things I’ve started, including Pregnant Hillbillies and Bring Out Your Dead. I am a brilliant idea man, but I rarely finish anything. It’s time to start.  UPDATE - TRACY HAS HOOKED ME UP WITH ALL THE PH DRAWINGS, AND I PURCHASED NEW INK AND CARDSTOCK TO START PRINTING THE PROMOS.

9. Go on 9 dates and stop being overly cautious with my dating choices. Well it’s true, I am way too cautious… it’s time to open up a bit, see what the world brings me.  UPDATE - I AM BACK ON POF... TELL YOUR FRIENDS!
UPDATE -  Off of POF again, just didn't feel right...


10. Throw 1000 holes of Disc Golf in at least 10 months of the year. I was so very close this year, and now with more vacation and less overtime I think I can achieve this goal.  UPDATE: JB HOOKED ME UP WITH A SAN MARINO STAR ROC, OH YEAH!
UPDATE - I missed February and January, so I have to go 10 for 10 in the next 10 months...

11. Save $1100 from intuitive cost changes. This one is right in my wheelhouse, and I will report my savings to you and maybe inspire you to do the same. I will be starting with my homeowner’s insurance, assholes jacked up my rates for next year by 200 bucks!  UPDATE -  I SAVED $382 THIS YEAR BY SWITCHING MY HOMEOWNERS AND CAR INSURANCES, AND THE COVERAGE IS ALMOST EXACTLY THE SAME.

12. Do 12 major things with my bro. I enjoy spending time with my bro, so this one would probably happen even if it weren’t on my New Year’s Resolution list… but I want to get him out to a few major events if we can find the right timing.  UPDATE - FIRST MOVIE NIGHT OF THE YEAR IS SET FOR BRO'S BASEMENT.  UPDATE - First movie night went great!  Setting up a possible Brewers game for the end of January.

Friday, December 30, 2011

New Years 2012

I’ve done a lot of thinking (mostly due to The Walking Dead series) and if a zombie apocalypse occurs I call on you to gather all your guns, food, water, and supplies and meet me at that Ashley furniture place in Plover next to the Wal-Mart. We’ll board it up, use the tower as a snipers nest, steal our food from Wal-Mart, grab any needed hardware from Lowes, clothes from Kohl’s, and keep the cats and dogs fed with Petco supplies. Throw in some solar energy panels and I think it might just work!

That was my biggest daydream in the cold turd soup that was 2011.  But it's a Moo point now... as some would say... a cow's opinion, because it’s 2012 now bitches! The end is here!!!!! The zombies are on their way, Wall Street and Main Street are on fire, the Moon is on a collision course with Earth, and little green men just shoved a probe up your!!!... but more importantly, since we’re all doomed to hell on earth, remember to cherish your friends and family just a little bit more this year. Shit, and I was going to build a fallout shelter last summer...

You’d think since I only completed 4 of last year’s resolutions (and half completed another 4), that I might make a shorter list this year. Well fuck that! I’m a go-getter, driven and confident and such, like you read about. No seriously!  I am... for today at least. And this year I don’t have the albatross of a cell phone company ruining my life. Still, I’m happy with the accomplishments I reached in 2011, even if most of them were not on my list. Here’s a rundown of last year:


2011 New Year’s Resolution List:
1. Movie Script: I didn’t complete one like I was supposed to, but I did add about 6 pages to a started script, and started a third script.

2. Perform a Marriage Ceremony: Check bitches! What I meant to say was… yes I performed an elegant ceremony for Steven and Kristin Stilp at Olbrich Gardens in Madison. It was a very nice event, and I was happy to be a part of it. I don’t know two better people than Steven and Kristin… (check bitches)

3. Replace Basement Pipes: I replaced about 45 ft of pipes in the basement, this is well over half of the pipes down there, and takes care of 4 major leaks. Sadly, it caused another major leak due to poor pipe construction by the previous owner. I will end up fixing this issue in 2012 but did not add it to the resolution list.

4. Blog at least twice a month: I only blogged about 6 times in 2012, but I really want to blog more often. I will add it to the 2012 list.

5. Complete Pregnant Hillbillies: Well I did zero work on PH this year, and Tracy has been incredible in getting me all of the drawings! I’ll kick this one forward to 2012.

6. Gardening: Farmville scmarmville, check this one off the list! The tomato crop was wonderful this year, and I am hoping the strawberry patch takes off in 2012. I will certainly garden in 2012, but no need to throw it on the new list.

7. Brew 20 gallons of beer: I brewed about 10 gallons on my own, and helped in the bottling and brewing process with batches at Matt’s and Jerome’s which accounted for another 20 gallons. I’m calling it a victory!

8. Lose 35 lbs: Well I was down about 15 lbs after a good start in January, but all was gained back. I will revamp this plan and add it to 2012.

9. Build a Cat/Tree House: Nope… not even close. This doesn’t make it onto the 2012 list, but I really do want to build one someday.

10. Cover Art for Globe Comic: I will do you one better, Roger found an awesome artist named Mick, and Mick has already inked several pages. He should have the cover done shortly, and the full book done by August. You will see Globe make an appearance on the 2012 list as well.

11. Spend 3 nights in a row not at home: Such a weird item to have on my list, but if you know me, you know I hate sleeping in any bed that isn't mine.  I didn’t complete this one, however I did spend 2 consecutive nights out of town, and several single nights out, I just never fit in a 3 night stay. It will happen in 2012 though!

12. Read 3 books: This was the least likely to be completed… and of course I failed. I did start one book, I think I’m on page 14 of Andre Agassi’s biography. Sadness washed over the Dude…

Not on the 2011 List:
1. I disc golfed over 800 holes in 2011 including a 100 hole day with Rod and Terry.

2. I found a new job at Delta Dental slashing my daily commute in half, reducing my work hours by 16 a month, cutting work related stress down to nearly zero, adding health insurance, dental insurance, and a pension, and after all of that I’ll still be pulling in more money than I made at Solarus.

3. I got my bro out of town for a night, to a Matt Kenseth signing, out discing once, out to a few movies, helped facilitate him having Justin up for a weekend, got him out to a Brewers Game, had two movie nights in his new basement living room, completed most work on his basement pad, and might have gotten him hooked on some gaming.

4. We had a very successful year of Trivia, as a team we took 25th place (our first top 30 finish) and personally, my Stone Team was the first car to collect at every stone (no other cars were even in sight when we collected our stamps, we were just that good).

5. I took 2 trips to Goodwill, 4 trips to cardboard recycling, and 1 trip to the dump to get rid of crap from the house.

6. Dan and I added a 30 ft planter box to the side of the garage.

7. I helped Rod build a grooming area for Lora in their basement and distributed some of her business cards.

8. I helped Mandy build two walls and hang two doors in her basement to create a living space for her roommate.

9. I helped my mother begin work on their main bathroom remodel.

10. I created an entirely new card game called Bring Out Your Dead that I am really excited about, all the rules and cards are written, just need to get the artwork done.

11. I built a cat bathroom in my basement to help contain their stank.

12. I wrote Episode 2 of Globe with Roger and had a Skype meeting with Mick.

13. I took batting practice at Witter Field with Derrick, Mark, Nick, Terrance, and Carrie.  Easily one of the biggest highlights of the year.

14. I wired new electrical outlets throughout the basement to relieve some circuit issues.

15. I wrote a kick ass personals ad receiving hundreds of responses.

16. I’m probably forgetting several other decent things, but my Yes to No ratio was easily 5 to 1, and I am very proud of that.

And finally, the 12 things I expect to do this year...

New Year’s Resolution 2012:
1. Write at least 1 blog post every month. Yes this is one less per month than last year’s goal, but it only doubles what I’ve done already, so it feels like the right number. Eventually I would like to blog weekly.

2. Join a fitness club and go no less than twice a week, also go vegetarian for 2 full weeks.  I really like the idea of going vegetarian for a few weeks (this one is inspired by Derrick and Sherre, and I may need some help with it).  I think it will challenge me as a chef, and teach me a few new healthy meals. Also I need to put fitness in the forefront of my life, so instead of setting arbitrary weight loss goals, let’s just work out.

3. Three Home Projects, Basement Paint, Basement Floor, Bathroom Counter. Home projects are game changers! Completing another basement room means I have more storage to reduce clutter, and a nicer basement to attract new roommates. A new bathroom counter is the start of redoing a bathroom that thoroughly needs it, and I’d like to create my own tile bathroom counter, so it will challenge me artistically as well.

4. Get 4 massages and take 4 car loads of stuff to Goodwill. I needed a few softballs in my lineup, and this is a split. Four massages seems easy, but it will improve my overall state of relaxation, and I think that is very important. Four carloads of stuff to Goodwill is much tougher, but the reduced clutter will help create a better home life.

5. Use 5000 lights for Christmas decorating. Softball? Maybe… but 5000 lights is double my best Christmas lighting year at the house and this year I only used about 1000 lights. This should give me an attainable creative goal in the early winter months.  Also, my house has the saddest Christmas lights on my street... time to show them  who's Tony.

6. Get 6 members of the family to stay overnight in Point. This goal isn’t easy. My family is fucked up beyond repair, but it would be great to have some family members up, and have a nice old fashioned family vacation style night with the cousins and aunts and uncles…

7. Spend 7 nights out of town, represent The Globe at Comicon, and spend nights at both Kristeve’s house and Roger’s house. So Comicon is the big one, that’s 3 nights out of town minimum, but I haven’t stayed over much at Kristin and Steve’s, and still haven’t seen Roger’s house or kiddo. Now, with that said, I haven’t seen Katharine and Drew in ages, or Laura, or Derrick’s new baby boy, or the Felder’s house… that list could go on for a while. Let’s start with these and see if we can get further.

8. Finish 8 things I’ve started, including Pregnant Hillbillies and Bring Out Your Dead. I am a brilliant idea man, but I rarely finish anything. It’s time to start.

9. Go on 9 dates and stop being overly cautious with my dating choices. Well it’s true, I am way too cautious… it’s time to open up a bit, see what the world brings me.

10. Throw 1000 holes of Disc Golf in at least 10 months of the year. I was so very close this year, and now with more vacation and less overtime I think I can achieve this goal.

11. Save $1100 from intuitive cost changes. This one is right in my wheelhouse, and I will report my savings to you and maybe inspire you to do the same. I will be starting with my homeowner’s insurance, assholes jacked up my rates for next year by 200 bucks!

12. Do 12 major things with my bro. I enjoy spending time with my bro, so this one would probably happen even if it weren’t on my New Year’s Resolution list… but I want to get him out to a few major events if we can find the right timing.

So there it is… a list including 9 areas of wellness meant to keep me active in all four seasons. She’s gonna be a tough one, but I’ve got a few more months before the world ends. And hey, if you want to help out with anything on this list, I would love to have you… and if you need help with yours, just ask.

Saturday, November 26, 2011

Last Chance Fancy Ribs

So I've decided to kill you. Yup, you were talkin' trash and now I have found that there's no other choice. You must die. What's that, you know those ribs are poisoned?? Curses!!! All that good bbq sauce gone to waste! Well then I'll just have to make something you can't stop from eating, something that simply smells too good for you to avoid.

I know you like Lobster Bisque, and Baked Alaskan is already to die for... but I'm killin' on a budget here! And yes, we did have a few good times, you and I. So maybe I don't want to feed you gruel or scalloped potatoes. So what's the answer to this killer conundrum? I have it! Let's fancy up those ribs...

Phase 1: Gathering the Troops
1 1/2 lbs Country Style Spare Ribs
1 Beer
1/4 cup Olive Juice (Dude, you were gonna just throw it out!?)
1/2 tbsp Minced Garlic
Salt
Pepper
10 Fresh Thai Basil Leaves
1/2 tsp Powdered Cayenne Pepper
1/2 tsp Red Curry Powder
1 White Onion (sliced fairly large)
2 tbsp Molasses

Combine all of these ingredients as a marinade. Place the spare ribs in the marinade and let them sit at room temperature for 30-60 minutes.

Phase 2: The Nose Knows
1 can Diced Tomatoes (loosely drained)
1/8 cup BBQ Sauce (Famous Dave's has just the right tanginess)
Salt
Pepper
6 Sweet Basil Leaves
1 tbsp Italian Seasoning
1/2 tsp Powdered Cayenne Pepper

Combine all of these ingredients with about half of the marinade (minus the spare ribs) in a blender, blend until pureed and season to smell. Yeah that's right, use your nose, if it needs more pepper or curry or basil, add it!

Phase 3: Trojan Horse
1 cup Cherry or Grape Tomatoes
2 cups Broccoli Florets
Our Marinade
Our Puree
Our Spare Ribs

Place the spare ribs in a casserole dish, touching as little as possible. Slice 1 cup of cherry (or grape) tomatoes in half, and scatter them into the dish. Place a good deal of the onions from the marinade on top of the spare ribs. Arrange broccoli florets in a ring around the edge of the dish and pour puree over everything, make sure florets get some coverage as well. Bake at 350 for 2 hours. If you'd like, substituting potatoes, carrots, or other vegetables is fully acceptable. I've chosen broccoli florets because they soak up more of the sauce, and well... you'll know why that's important in about 2 hours.

Phase 4: Death
When you take the spare ribs out of the oven, they should still hold their shape but be tender enough to tare with a fork. Be sure to serve them with a good dose of the sauce and serve with bread, again... you're gonna want to soak up that sauce. Oh, and don't poison the whole dish... that's just stupid.

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

To the Man Walking on the Grass Between Gutter and Sidewalk

You remind me of the 80's flick token Chinamen
with a badass moustache and long black hair
showing off nun chuck skills in action flicks,

only…

30 years later
after a failed life of crime and three kids
pushed him into working a third shit factory job.

Now at 8am, walking home feeling freedom's
sunlit dewy grass on the heels of his shoes, conflicted,
still scorned from never finding easy living.

I want to live one day as you do,
to know if that's pain
or contemplation on your face.

And now you're promised decent pay
by a company that hasn't given a raise in six years
or paid taxes in five.

Nothing trickling your way but higher bills,
worthless health insurance,
and a bank that wants their house back.

They redistributed your 401k…

I hope you're not offended,
I don't know you...
you're probably not Chinese.

But I envy that strength I see in your face,
even if it's just in these fifteen minutes
found walking home on the grass
between gutter and sidewalk.