A Man's World

That last button at the brink of the collar just before you put on a black bowtie… it’s tight, you go from comfort to custom, a uniform of modern wedding culture.  And yes, of course, the classic James Bond comes to mind, but more than that you’re one part night club sleek badass ladies man with a gun under his vest, and the other part leashed lap dog dressed up for show and freshly neutered.  Sure you’ll have Bond moments throughout the evening but this wedding isn’t yours, it’s a ladies affair filled with flowers and pictures, bubbles and dancing.  The closest you’ll get to feeling like a man is that one shot you’ll do with some old college buddies, and before you can set up a second round it’ll be time to mingle, MINGLE with your new in-law grandparents.

I have no desire to go to another cliché girly wedding just to watch the groom slip into a walking coma unable to enjoy more than an ounce of his wedding night.  You know he won’t even get laid tonight, she’ll be way too tired after such an exhibition.  Maybe it’s time we spin this party round, and make sure the groom has a little fun before his demise.

Drinks, dinner, cake, dancing… none of the classics will be touched.  After dinner, lavish curtain are pulled back on seven makeshift rooms surrounding the main party.  These seven wonders are filled with different celebratory atmospheres. The first room will house the wedding cake and an espresso bar with a barista to take your orders.  The second room, a photo booth with costumes, props, and a photographer to assist in taking pictures.  The third will have couches and three televisions, each with a different game (Goleneye for N64, Mario Kart Double Dash for Gamecube, and Tekken Tag for PS2).  The fourth room will have hundreds of pictures from birth to proposal of the bride and groom along with a signing photo.  The fifth will be set up for beer pong, cups, and quarters and have its own keg of beer.  The sixth room will be a massage parlor with two massage therapists, tantalizing scents, and 15 minute chair massages.  And the seventh room will serve as a private sitting space where the bride and groom can disappear whenever they need a few moments of time together or to talk with special guests.

Seven wonders, and not all of them just for the boy inside the man, but seven wonders of compromise to be enjoyed by all ages and partygoers.  And though they sound expensive, once you get rid of half the flowers, the overpriced dress, centerpieces, photographers, and cakes, the cost will be about the same… and your wedding will be more memorable than any affair I’ve ever been to.  This is a man’s world, and I revel in the though… but it would be nothing, nothing, not one little thing without a woman or a girl.