The World's Worst Baker

For years I have been plagued with the notion that I am in fact the World’s Worst Baker.  Growing up, I often found myself alone in the kitchen somewhat scrounging for food.  No, I wasn’t some charity case, bare cupboards, latchkey kid… but in some ways, looking back on it with the prospective of a grown man, I indeed was.  Mom worked extremely hard to keep us clothed and fed.  She worked second shift for a good portion of my teen years, while also going to school for her degree.  As kids, my brother and I came to know leftovers as our best meals, but often we either cooked canned foods or microwave dinners on our own.  And I, with an insatiable sweet tooth, loved making boxed brownies and cookies off the Toll House recipe on the back of the bag.  However, that was the extent of my baking ability. 


Truth be told, I love cooking on a stovetop.  I love being able to immediately change my food with a sprinkle of cayenne or basil, taste test every moment, and put my nose up close and smell the juices meld into the dish.  The idea of measuring and prepping and not opening the oven door for 15 straight minutes is hard to stomach.  And then enter into my life three incredible bakers.  Sherré who makes these giant ginger cookies, and I am not one that ever liked ginger, but these with a moist crunch and dense buttery flair of what I never knew ginger could be, they made me sad that I couldn’t be trusted to follow a recipe.  Then Lisa whose coconut toffee cookies and banana bread became legal tender that put today’s gold standard to shame.  And her German Chocolate Brownie Torte is still number one on the all-time top five of “Oh My God” foods.  And now Lora’s scones, which ruined my perception of the dense and dry baked hockey pucks depicted as television fodder.  They emanate golden light as if their main ingredients were halos and unicorn horns.  These bakers became my only source of glory, yet each of them played it off as if they were just following a recipe.

So my big idea: Follow a recipe. 

This, after the fact, is laughable.

I woke up this morning craving scones.  And knowing that neither Lisa nor Lora would be able to accommodate these cravings (both very busy) I decided to make my own.  After all, I did see Paula Dean make scones on TV last weekend, and she made it look very easy.  So with an empty stomach and a fist full of laptop, I found myself the first recipe on Google’s search.  And there it was, Apricot Ginger Scones.  It called for apricots, crystalized ginger, and heavy cream.  And since I didn’t have any of those I figured what the hell I’ll wing it.  I believe it was 3 minutes and 28 seconds into my idea of following a recipe that I decided to no longer worry about a recipe.

Substitutes… well there was no fruit in the house, dried or fresh.  Instead, thanks to my roommates “go to” pie (yes even my roommate can bake) we had ample supplies of walnuts and chocolate chips.  And then was born a new recipe for Chocolate Chip Walnut Scones!  Still no heavy cream… in fact I stopped drinking milk all together about 8 weeks ago, but we do have Soy Milk, and I’m sure that’s… close… enough?  With all of my substitutes completed, I found myself half a stick of butter shy of my buttery needs, so spreadable butter with canola oil would have to do.  And not the frozen butter the scones called for… I’m not waiting for room temperature butter to freeze, I’m frickin’ hungry now!
If you’re keeping track at home, I have basically changed 2/3rds of the recipe… but I did use the right amounts of sugar, flour, baking powder, and salt… well maybe not salt (I eyeballed that one), but basically all the dry goods.  Here’s what I came up with:

Chocolate Chip Walnut Scones

2 cups (10 ounces) unbleached all-purpose flour
1 tablespoon baking powder
1/4 cup sugar
1 teaspoon ground ginger some chopped walnuts
1/2 teaspoon salt some salt
6 tablespoons unsalted butter, frozen and cut into 1/4-inch cubes ½ stick room temp butter with 2 scoops of buttery spread
3/4 cup chopped moist dried apricots some chocolate chips
1/4 cup crystallized ginger, roughly chopped
1 cup heavy cream 1 cup soy milk

I mixed the dry goods, then poured in the soy milk and cut pieces of butter into the sticky ball.  And you know what, it actually smelled delicious!  I then got my hands dirty and gently kneaded the dough for about 30 seconds.  I pounded out the ball into a 10 inch wide circle on a floured surface, then cut the dough into 8 wedges and baked them at 425 for 14 minutes.  I didn’t even open the oven door… more than 4 times.

So you read this far… what do you think?  Were they horribly dry, 2 inch thick, flour tortilla chips with a walnutty aftertaste?  Or were they incredible nuggets of Easter bunny hearts, still warm and flaky?  Well I can tell you this… I never thought I’d like It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia… I mean Danny DeVito is over the hill and that theme music from 50’s television, what’s up with that!?  But, for me, Charlie Day is just really watchable as an idiot… kinda the way I expect people felt about Gilligan back in the day.

Number 9 on my Top 5

So I decided to include dating when writing my New Year's Resolution list... Number 9 on my top five.  I've decided to avoid Match.com because it's a waste of money, and I made the Craigslist mistake once too... not again!  So I am sticking to Plenty of Fish, a free online dating site.  Online dating has worked for a few friends, and I've met a few incredible women online, so here's to hope!  Now all I had to do was write a catchy profile, and for this I've gone with an adaptation of sorts from an idea that was used on Craigslist to find a roommate (search Best Roommate Ever).  I did use this at one point in the past, but I've tweaked it a little (and when I did use it, I honestly wasn't even ready to date).  So here goes!  You can also see this on my POF profile, WassilyArcs.

POF Profile for WassilyArcs
I can only assume that my future is reading this right now, so hello for the first time my wonderful better half (can I also say, you are looking really damn good tonight!)... and for those of you reading that are not her, well thank you for stopping by and feel free to say hello, I am all for new friends and you're obviously really cool. I must also assume you are looking for the best possible guy. He's funny, he's handsome, and there's just enough spark to keep you happy. And you (just like I) seriously think you can find them in a random webpage profile. Friends might even ask you, as they have me, "Are you ****ing crazy?" Well, I'm not crazy... and I hope this is a positive in your eyes. I also have no open warrants, no random babies running around, no outstanding parking tickets, never spent a night in jail (though I secretly wish I had), and I've only been caught speeding once. Does this mean I am some sort of perfect do gooder, **** no... I'm just not all that dangerous.

Now why would you believe me? A lot of guys just tell you what you want to hear. Why? Well they want to get in your pants. Do I want to get in your pants? Of course! You're a foxy woman, and after a few dates I am going to romance those pants right off... but until then, I promise to be a gentlemen (well, mostly). What about after the loss of said pants... am I going to run for the hills? No! I just spent several dates getting to know you, I'm not leaving, I'm probably going to want breakfast... my treat! And if all goes well at breakfast, another date! So... am I lying? I can't lie to you... not because it's wrong, but because I know it would hurt you... so I can't mentally do it. This goes for pretty much everyone in my life (excluding work). That means no cheating and no stealing too, cause I just can't lie to you.

So why am I worth your time? I'm going to spend my life trying to make yours better, everyday. You have a flat tire, I'm there. You're hungry and we forgot to go shopping, I'm creating a three course meal dinner impossible style, or calling your favorite take out place, your choice. You think I forgot our anniversary? PSYCH! I get you a thoughtful gift and take you to dinner (minimum)... and I skip any other social obligation because you are the person that matters most. Christmas? I got you that thing you mentioned you wanted 8 months ago in passing, cause yeah I was ****ing listening. Is that all I got you, hell no... 23 gifts from big to small, romantic to practical, I covered all the bases. You had a bad day at work, well sit down and talk to me about it, I'll make you a drink and rub your feet (and yeah my foot massage will turn your day around). You think the bathroom is too small, well I just ripped down a wall and expanded, putting in a two person jacuzzi, grab the champagne cause it's time to relax! You want to go on vacation, well let's burn some personal days and head to Monaco! It's warm, it's on the water, it has tons of history and Paris isn't that far away!

With all that said, am I some mamby pamby pushover? sh*t no, I just make exceptions for the love of my life. I want to come home and give you a hug after my day, and spend time with you, even hear what's new with that coworker of yours. I am out the door when you need time alone, and home when you want to cuddle while watching How I Met Your Mother. I split the chores with you, but I secretly do more just to make your life easier. I split the bills with you, and I pay early. I take you out to just as many dinners as you take me to. I can cook meatloaf, salmon, chicken masala... you're a vegetarian??? I am studying how to cook for you right now... and I can't say I'll give up meat, but I will certainly eat less of it!

What are the dealbreakers? Well I am me, and though I will change a little for you over time, you might not like some things about me. I will divulge these now. I voted for Obama, support a woman's right to choose, and think that gay people should have the same rights as everyone else. I am not overly political, but I do believe we should vote and pay attention. I believe in a greater power, but I'm not here to judge your beliefs or force mine on you. Can I see both sides, yes... and if I am missing one, I will damn sure try to learn. Kids, yes I would love to have kids... in a perfect world. But if the love of my life doesn't want kids, then I chose the love of my life. There are so many other areas in life to spend effort and time, and kids would be fun but so would 3 vacations a year. I drive a crappy car, why? Because I'd rather drive a crappy car to a home I own, than drive a nice car to an apartment. Do I smoke, no... it's disgusting. Do I do drugs, no but I am not anti-drug. Do I drink, sometimes... and I like it, but I know my limits.

Now that this has been said, I like ambiance, good lighting, booths over chairs, windows, I prefer Life over Monopoly by far, but I would really love to find someone that plays a little cribbage or backgammon or Settlers of Catan or Ticket to Ride, I enjoy going to Brewers games, and went to two this summer, I try to grill out or have a bonfire at least once a month, I haven't missed a Packer game on TV or Radio in the last 20 years, I have picked pumpkins from the pumpkin patch and carved them with friends every year for the last four years, I get a real Christmas tree every year, and decorate it with whomever might be around that day, I have two guitars that haven't been played in 2 years, but I still want to learn, I enjoy oil paints over acrylic and watercolor, though I really don't paint that often, it is my goal to play tennis once a week this summer, as well as disc golf twice a week, and hit the gym 4 times a week. I grew vegetables this summer in my garden (yeah that's right, a ****ing garden!). If I had to choose, my drink of choice would be water (no, that doesn't make me boring). Milk is a close second (still not boring!), a good beer is third (right now I'm craving a Central Waters Cream Ale). I love writing, I consider myself a writer. I also love cooking, my favorite thing to make is pan seared crusted salmon with a dijon dill dipping sauce, I make a better meatloaf than your mom (if you don't believe me, we'll duel Iron Chef style!). Vegetable of choice: broccoli.

Someday I want to be a successful writer, win a few awards, and have a huge bank account, until then I will struggle through my cubicle life with just enough money to be happy. In the end, that dream is still just a job. In life I find love much more important. That's where you come in. Have I told you how good you look today?


Why do I like you so much? You know how to relax and love to get out into sunlight and rainstorms. You enjoy boardgames, movies, tv, and are willing to play tennis, maybe even disc golf, build a snowman or sandcastle, and you introduce me to something new every once in a while. You're a woman that loves me for the best version of me, and sticks with me when I'm at my worst. And just so you know, the worst of me still comes with respect, devotion, doesn't cheat, doesn't lie, and has your back at all cost. The best of me is better yet, and you make me even greater.

So I like that you are a procrastinator, but send me a message already!