Friday, December 30, 2011

New Years 2012

I’ve done a lot of thinking (mostly due to The Walking Dead series) and if a zombie apocalypse occurs I call on you to gather all your guns, food, water, and supplies and meet me at that Ashley furniture place in Plover next to the Wal-Mart. We’ll board it up, use the tower as a snipers nest, steal our food from Wal-Mart, grab any needed hardware from Lowes, clothes from Kohl’s, and keep the cats and dogs fed with Petco supplies. Throw in some solar energy panels and I think it might just work!

That was my biggest daydream in the cold turd soup that was 2011.  But it's a Moo point now... as some would say... a cow's opinion, because it’s 2012 now bitches! The end is here!!!!! The zombies are on their way, Wall Street and Main Street are on fire, the Moon is on a collision course with Earth, and little green men just shoved a probe up your!!!... but more importantly, since we’re all doomed to hell on earth, remember to cherish your friends and family just a little bit more this year. Shit, and I was going to build a fallout shelter last summer...

You’d think since I only completed 4 of last year’s resolutions (and half completed another 4), that I might make a shorter list this year. Well fuck that! I’m a go-getter, driven and confident and such, like you read about. No seriously!  I am... for today at least. And this year I don’t have the albatross of a cell phone company ruining my life. Still, I’m happy with the accomplishments I reached in 2011, even if most of them were not on my list. Here’s a rundown of last year:


2011 New Year’s Resolution List:
1. Movie Script: I didn’t complete one like I was supposed to, but I did add about 6 pages to a started script, and started a third script.

2. Perform a Marriage Ceremony: Check bitches! What I meant to say was… yes I performed an elegant ceremony for Steven and Kristin Stilp at Olbrich Gardens in Madison. It was a very nice event, and I was happy to be a part of it. I don’t know two better people than Steven and Kristin… (check bitches)

3. Replace Basement Pipes: I replaced about 45 ft of pipes in the basement, this is well over half of the pipes down there, and takes care of 4 major leaks. Sadly, it caused another major leak due to poor pipe construction by the previous owner. I will end up fixing this issue in 2012 but did not add it to the resolution list.

4. Blog at least twice a month: I only blogged about 6 times in 2012, but I really want to blog more often. I will add it to the 2012 list.

5. Complete Pregnant Hillbillies: Well I did zero work on PH this year, and Tracy has been incredible in getting me all of the drawings! I’ll kick this one forward to 2012.

6. Gardening: Farmville scmarmville, check this one off the list! The tomato crop was wonderful this year, and I am hoping the strawberry patch takes off in 2012. I will certainly garden in 2012, but no need to throw it on the new list.

7. Brew 20 gallons of beer: I brewed about 10 gallons on my own, and helped in the bottling and brewing process with batches at Matt’s and Jerome’s which accounted for another 20 gallons. I’m calling it a victory!

8. Lose 35 lbs: Well I was down about 15 lbs after a good start in January, but all was gained back. I will revamp this plan and add it to 2012.

9. Build a Cat/Tree House: Nope… not even close. This doesn’t make it onto the 2012 list, but I really do want to build one someday.

10. Cover Art for Globe Comic: I will do you one better, Roger found an awesome artist named Mick, and Mick has already inked several pages. He should have the cover done shortly, and the full book done by August. You will see Globe make an appearance on the 2012 list as well.

11. Spend 3 nights in a row not at home: Such a weird item to have on my list, but if you know me, you know I hate sleeping in any bed that isn't mine.  I didn’t complete this one, however I did spend 2 consecutive nights out of town, and several single nights out, I just never fit in a 3 night stay. It will happen in 2012 though!

12. Read 3 books: This was the least likely to be completed… and of course I failed. I did start one book, I think I’m on page 14 of Andre Agassi’s biography. Sadness washed over the Dude…

Not on the 2011 List:
1. I disc golfed over 800 holes in 2011 including a 100 hole day with Rod and Terry.

2. I found a new job at Delta Dental slashing my daily commute in half, reducing my work hours by 16 a month, cutting work related stress down to nearly zero, adding health insurance, dental insurance, and a pension, and after all of that I’ll still be pulling in more money than I made at Solarus.

3. I got my bro out of town for a night, to a Matt Kenseth signing, out discing once, out to a few movies, helped facilitate him having Justin up for a weekend, got him out to a Brewers Game, had two movie nights in his new basement living room, completed most work on his basement pad, and might have gotten him hooked on some gaming.

4. We had a very successful year of Trivia, as a team we took 25th place (our first top 30 finish) and personally, my Stone Team was the first car to collect at every stone (no other cars were even in sight when we collected our stamps, we were just that good).

5. I took 2 trips to Goodwill, 4 trips to cardboard recycling, and 1 trip to the dump to get rid of crap from the house.

6. Dan and I added a 30 ft planter box to the side of the garage.

7. I helped Rod build a grooming area for Lora in their basement and distributed some of her business cards.

8. I helped Mandy build two walls and hang two doors in her basement to create a living space for her roommate.

9. I helped my mother begin work on their main bathroom remodel.

10. I created an entirely new card game called Bring Out Your Dead that I am really excited about, all the rules and cards are written, just need to get the artwork done.

11. I built a cat bathroom in my basement to help contain their stank.

12. I wrote Episode 2 of Globe with Roger and had a Skype meeting with Mick.

13. I took batting practice at Witter Field with Derrick, Mark, Nick, Terrance, and Carrie.  Easily one of the biggest highlights of the year.

14. I wired new electrical outlets throughout the basement to relieve some circuit issues.

15. I wrote a kick ass personals ad receiving hundreds of responses.

16. I’m probably forgetting several other decent things, but my Yes to No ratio was easily 5 to 1, and I am very proud of that.

And finally, the 12 things I expect to do this year...

New Year’s Resolution 2012:
1. Write at least 1 blog post every month. Yes this is one less per month than last year’s goal, but it only doubles what I’ve done already, so it feels like the right number. Eventually I would like to blog weekly.

2. Join a fitness club and go no less than twice a week, also go vegetarian for 2 full weeks.  I really like the idea of going vegetarian for a few weeks (this one is inspired by Derrick and Sherre, and I may need some help with it).  I think it will challenge me as a chef, and teach me a few new healthy meals. Also I need to put fitness in the forefront of my life, so instead of setting arbitrary weight loss goals, let’s just work out.

3. Three Home Projects, Basement Paint, Basement Floor, Bathroom Counter. Home projects are game changers! Completing another basement room means I have more storage to reduce clutter, and a nicer basement to attract new roommates. A new bathroom counter is the start of redoing a bathroom that thoroughly needs it, and I’d like to create my own tile bathroom counter, so it will challenge me artistically as well.

4. Get 4 massages and take 4 car loads of stuff to Goodwill. I needed a few softballs in my lineup, and this is a split. Four massages seems easy, but it will improve my overall state of relaxation, and I think that is very important. Four carloads of stuff to Goodwill is much tougher, but the reduced clutter will help create a better home life.

5. Use 5000 lights for Christmas decorating. Softball? Maybe… but 5000 lights is double my best Christmas lighting year at the house and this year I only used about 1000 lights. This should give me an attainable creative goal in the early winter months.  Also, my house has the saddest Christmas lights on my street... time to show them  who's Tony.

6. Get 6 members of the family to stay overnight in Point. This goal isn’t easy. My family is fucked up beyond repair, but it would be great to have some family members up, and have a nice old fashioned family vacation style night with the cousins and aunts and uncles…

7. Spend 7 nights out of town, represent The Globe at Comicon, and spend nights at both Kristeve’s house and Roger’s house. So Comicon is the big one, that’s 3 nights out of town minimum, but I haven’t stayed over much at Kristin and Steve’s, and still haven’t seen Roger’s house or kiddo. Now, with that said, I haven’t seen Katharine and Drew in ages, or Laura, or Derrick’s new baby boy, or the Felder’s house… that list could go on for a while. Let’s start with these and see if we can get further.

8. Finish 8 things I’ve started, including Pregnant Hillbillies and Bring Out Your Dead. I am a brilliant idea man, but I rarely finish anything. It’s time to start.

9. Go on 9 dates and stop being overly cautious with my dating choices. Well it’s true, I am way too cautious… it’s time to open up a bit, see what the world brings me.

10. Throw 1000 holes of Disc Golf in at least 10 months of the year. I was so very close this year, and now with more vacation and less overtime I think I can achieve this goal.

11. Save $1100 from intuitive cost changes. This one is right in my wheelhouse, and I will report my savings to you and maybe inspire you to do the same. I will be starting with my homeowner’s insurance, assholes jacked up my rates for next year by 200 bucks!

12. Do 12 major things with my bro. I enjoy spending time with my bro, so this one would probably happen even if it weren’t on my New Year’s Resolution list… but I want to get him out to a few major events if we can find the right timing.

So there it is… a list including 9 areas of wellness meant to keep me active in all four seasons. She’s gonna be a tough one, but I’ve got a few more months before the world ends. And hey, if you want to help out with anything on this list, I would love to have you… and if you need help with yours, just ask.

Saturday, November 26, 2011

Last Chance Fancy Ribs

So I've decided to kill you. Yup, you were talkin' trash and now I have found that there's no other choice. You must die. What's that, you know those ribs are poisoned?? Curses!!! All that good bbq sauce gone to waste! Well then I'll just have to make something you can't stop from eating, something that simply smells too good for you to avoid.

I know you like Lobster Bisque, and Baked Alaskan is already to die for... but I'm killin' on a budget here! And yes, we did have a few good times, you and I. So maybe I don't want to feed you gruel or scalloped potatoes. So what's the answer to this killer conundrum? I have it! Let's fancy up those ribs...

Phase 1: Gathering the Troops
1 1/2 lbs Country Style Spare Ribs
1 Beer
1/4 cup Olive Juice (Dude, you were gonna just throw it out!?)
1/2 tbsp Minced Garlic
Salt
Pepper
10 Fresh Thai Basil Leaves
1/2 tsp Powdered Cayenne Pepper
1/2 tsp Red Curry Powder
1 White Onion (sliced fairly large)
2 tbsp Molasses

Combine all of these ingredients as a marinade. Place the spare ribs in the marinade and let them sit at room temperature for 30-60 minutes.

Phase 2: The Nose Knows
1 can Diced Tomatoes (loosely drained)
1/8 cup BBQ Sauce (Famous Dave's has just the right tanginess)
Salt
Pepper
6 Sweet Basil Leaves
1 tbsp Italian Seasoning
1/2 tsp Powdered Cayenne Pepper

Combine all of these ingredients with about half of the marinade (minus the spare ribs) in a blender, blend until pureed and season to smell. Yeah that's right, use your nose, if it needs more pepper or curry or basil, add it!

Phase 3: Trojan Horse
1 cup Cherry or Grape Tomatoes
2 cups Broccoli Florets
Our Marinade
Our Puree
Our Spare Ribs

Place the spare ribs in a casserole dish, touching as little as possible. Slice 1 cup of cherry (or grape) tomatoes in half, and scatter them into the dish. Place a good deal of the onions from the marinade on top of the spare ribs. Arrange broccoli florets in a ring around the edge of the dish and pour puree over everything, make sure florets get some coverage as well. Bake at 350 for 2 hours. If you'd like, substituting potatoes, carrots, or other vegetables is fully acceptable. I've chosen broccoli florets because they soak up more of the sauce, and well... you'll know why that's important in about 2 hours.

Phase 4: Death
When you take the spare ribs out of the oven, they should still hold their shape but be tender enough to tare with a fork. Be sure to serve them with a good dose of the sauce and serve with bread, again... you're gonna want to soak up that sauce. Oh, and don't poison the whole dish... that's just stupid.

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

To the Man Walking on the Grass Between Gutter and Sidewalk

You remind me of the 80's flick token Chinamen
with a badass moustache and long black hair
showing off nun chuck skills in action flicks,

only…

30 years later
after a failed life of crime and three kids
pushed him into working a third shit factory job.

Now at 8am, walking home feeling freedom's
sunlit dewy grass on the heels of his shoes, conflicted,
still scorned from never finding easy living.

I want to live one day as you do,
to know if that's pain
or contemplation on your face.

And now you're promised decent pay
by a company that hasn't given a raise in six years
or paid taxes in five.

Nothing trickling your way but higher bills,
worthless health insurance,
and a bank that wants their house back.

They redistributed your 401k…

I hope you're not offended,
I don't know you...
you're probably not Chinese.

But I envy that strength I see in your face,
even if it's just in these fifteen minutes
found walking home on the grass
between gutter and sidewalk.

Sunday, February 27, 2011

The Journey to Enlightenment

AKA: Chicken Tikka Masala

It began not with my first taste of Indian food as ironically I had frequented a local Taste of India celebration, but never had I tried Tikka Masala. It wasn’t till my now ex girlfriend Renee ordered in Indian food for our first of many “Indian Take Out and a Movie” nights. To her I owe this dish, and I owe my culinary enlightenment.

They call it a gravy which to a boy who grew up with Thanksgiving turkey seems ridiculous. If Tikka Masala were poured from a gravy boat, I would insist on gold. At the same time, I’ve been overheard more than once stating that I would drink it from a glass on it’s own, so really the method of delivery is moot. Before today I had made two lone attempts to create Tikka Masala, and before today I was a student of these savory flavors. But the day has passed, and now I feel I am ready to teach.

You’re going to need a beer, like so many of my other recipes, well no… you’re going to need two. And while you’re grabbing that, here’s the rest of the list:

1 beer for drinking
1 beer for marinating
1 package of Flatbread or Pitas
1 lb boneless chicken breast
3 cups broccoli florets
1 cup long grain rice
1 can diced tomatoes
1 white onion
1 cup heavy cream
2 tbsp olive oil
2 tbsp molasses
2 tbsp Chicken Masala
1 tbsp butter
1 tsp Red Curry
Salt
Pepper

First cut the chicken breasts into pieces no larger than 1 inch square, throw them into a bowl and pour in your marinating beer. Let them sit for at least 15 minutes. Preheat the oven to 350 degrees. Spray some olive oil or cooking spray on to a cookie sheet. Remove the chicken from the beer and place the pieces onto the sheet, try to space them out enough to cook thoroughly. Now throw them in the oven for 15 minutes.

While they are cooking, put a 12 inch skillet on medium heat with 2 tablespoons of olive oil and a tablespoon of butter. Dice the white onion and throw it into the skillet. Let them sweat for a bit, flipping and adding salt and fresh ground pepper to flavor. Once the onions have taken a slight bit of color, add the entire can of diced tomatoes, juice and all. Allow to cook for 2-3 minutes stirring as needed. Shake in red curry to your spice level, for me about a teaspoon is perfect. Add 2 tablespoons of chicken masala to the skillet and mix. Now slowly add the cup of heavy cream, stir while adding.

At this point take the skillet off the heat and let it sit for a minute before adding it to a blender. Blend till the tomatoes are fully incorporated into the gravy. Pour the gravy back into your skillet and reduce the heat to it’s lowest setting. Now stir in the molasses and add the broccoli florets. Cover and let simmer. It should be just about time to take the chicken out of the oven. Once the chicken is done, remove all pieces from the sheet and add them to the gravy. Cover and allow to simmer on low. Put your rice in a rice cooker, and once the rice is done (about 10 minutes) the broccoli should be tender. Combine rice with chicken, broccoli, and gravy and devour.

Wait! Now that you’ve tried the Masala, you’ve found that you need something to soak up that remaining gravy. For this, grab a pita or flatbread of some kind, toast it in the oven or give it a quick grill on the stove, cut into four pieces and you have your final gravy scooping tool. Grab that beer, and enjoy your enlightenment.

Saturday, February 26, 2011

Pessimist’s Destiny

Pessimist’s Destiny
If I stole a yoyo and learned to walk the dog
Harry, the dog, he'd wind up licking my palm.
I'd steal him that bike from ET's girl, Drew Barrymore,
Harry'd be my shotgun, hop in the bucket, flowers and all.

Didn't like her then, why'd we like her now all Smashley Simpson
with her roller coaster barrel roll hydrogen bomb hair.
Just cause she makes waffle homes and sings Beach Boys poems,
please, love ain't that fair.

We'd round the world, Harry and I, a man and his best friend.
Like a flying saucer planet hop grind and whip hip hit and jammer
till the pinwheel drops and daisies flop down the staircase,
or would we take the elevator instead…

Our suicide catch a freehand meltdown diving kamikaze into hell.
And in the end, I'd start the fire, screw this pacifist piss.
Zipper up tower down watch the world burn to the ground,
devour those last moments in Armageddon's lips.