Dustin: What can I say? I’m petty. I judge you for talking behind other people’s backs, and I do it while talking behind your back. That makes me a complete hypocrite. But don’t worry! You are petty too. You’re petty in that right now you are saying “At least I’m not as petty as other people.” Yeah, that’s you being petty again, Greg.
Gregory: Whatever jerk, I’m not that petty.
Dustin: Listen. It’s too easy to attack friends, too easy to judge you because I’ve got a front row seat… and as if that wasn’t good enough, you let me behind the curtain. Friends will let you see the mess that they are hiding, and then you’ve got but two options. No, really it’s just the two… One, I judge you to your face. Two, I judge you behind your back. I’m going to do it. I don’t know if it has always been this way but it’s human nature now, an unstoppable force. I know I am going to talk behind your back. I know I am going to be petty. I know I am going to be a hypocrite.
Gregory: Well ain’t that a bunch of bullshit. If you know you’re going to be petty, you can totally stop yourself. If you know you’re going to talk behind my back, just stop uttering words and it won’t happen.
Dustin: I would still be thinking it. I would still be judging you. You’re right, it’s better not to say the words. But in my brain, the words are said either way.
Gregory: Well in your brain they don’t hurt as much.
Dustin: Touché…
Gregory: So why, why Dustin are you such a huge douche bag?
Dustin: Listen, can you calm down with the hostility.
Gregory: Fuck you, you’ve got two minutes to change my mind or I am done with you for good.
Dustin: Alright, alright, fine… I always go back to the same argument. Two of my best friends are seemingly now republicans. For me it’s like they’ve gone from intelligent to insane over the last couple years. These days, it’s hard to befriend someone with opposing values because you wear your friends like badges on a Boy Scout uniform. You can go to my facebook page right now and see all of my badges, every bat shit crazy friend that I’ve got. And every day they post something, I might agree, I might disagree, it could be profound or prove to me that they are a complete moron. And then every day I watch the “news” and see how opposite republicans and democrats are supposed to be. Like separating blacks and whites, girls and boys, Red Socks fans and Yankees fans. It infiltrates our better judgment.
Gregory: Get to the point already…
Dustin: The point is, two of my best friends are republicans, and honestly I hate it. I want to grab them and shake them and fill them with knowledge, but instead I talk shit about them, I persecute them in my head. Some to their face, some behind their backs... and I’ve known them for years, if they were like this in the beginning I would have never become friends with them.
Gregory: You’re losing me.
Dustin: You don’t get it? They’re still my friends… I would kill for these people. They are two of my best friends and if need be I’d beat some bitches up for them. Yet I still talk shit, and I judge. I’m petty, I’m hypocritical… hypercritical… and now I’m going to tell you that it’s okay.
Gregory: How the fuck is that okay? You’re not my friend if you’re judging me! I would never do that to you.
Dustin: Well you’re judging me right now for my opinions, aren’t you? Either agreeing or disagreeing. If you stop being my friend over this, and state that you are making a moral stand against being hypercritical, then aren’t you just being hypercritical? Will you honestly never talk about me behind my back, ever again?
Gregory: Well that’s different… you obviously threw the first stone. You blogged about me for Christ’s sake!
Dustin: Greg, I’ve known you for years. Decades actually! Are you telling me that you have never, not once, in all the years, ever said a bad word about me. Never even though a bad word about me???
Gregory: Fuck decades ass hole. Those didn’t count. I never hurt you like this.
Dustin: So that’s a yes? You’ve talked shit about me, you’ve disagreed with me, you’ve blamed me for shit and never said a word about it to me?
Gregory: Yea, but like I said, that was different…
Dustin: You’re right, it was different. You didn’t blog the shit for all seven of your followers to see it. But I bet you’ve told people my secrets. I bet you’ve shared bad opinions about me with others.
Gregory: Yeah, but I’ve told people good things about you too! I am always telling people how you’re a good friend. And when you watched my dogs that one weekend when I had my grandma’s funeral, I mean you really helped me out there man. But I expect things like that from my friends, I expect a certain level of compassion towards me… your friend.
Dustin: So now it’s okay for you to judge me behind my back, talk shit about me, tell my secrets, have high expectations of me, and you are still morally on the high ground?
Gregory: Well how is it okay for you to do it?
Dustin: Because we all do it. We are all dumb for two seconds and let something slip. We are all amped up after a disagreement and talk shit to the wrong person. We all have opinions and sometimes push them in the wrong ways and directions. We all do it. I know that I do it, and I can forgive you before, during, and after you do it… because I’ve been there, I’ve been the jerk, the ass hole, the douche bag, and I forgave myself.
Gregory: Damn it… how can I forgive you? It’s still not cool.
Dustin: No, you’re right… and I will try to catch myself more often before I say bad shit, no promises other than I will try. And you know damn well I don't mean to hurt you... I am sorry if and when I hurt you, always.
Gregory: Decades man… yeah I know. I do it too. And you're probably right, it's petty. Alright, I admit it... I am petty. I am sorry too man... I've been hypocritical, and shit I can't believe I would have thrown our friendship away for something I do at the same time.
Dustin: Hey I can’t blame you, I mean we are seriously wired for drama now days. I don’t know if it’s just too much tv and reading fiction novels, or if it’s the “news” or just that we aren’t challenged anymore because failure isn’t death, failure is bankruptcy or bad grades or losing a job or girlfriend. We think our lives are impossible, our dreams unreachable, our friends not good enough, our families too judgmental, our jobs fall short, and nobody understands our plight. We have unreasonable expectations of life, and it feels like we create drama to fill the voids.
Gregory: No yeah I think you’re right. Hypercritical is the right word.
Dustin: Hey, I am just happy we could work this out. I don’t want to have that drama between us, we are lucky. I am lucky to have you as a friend.
Gregory: Thanks man, and I know what you’re saying about the drama. I do have some unreasonable expectations.
Dustin: Yeah man, you’ve got a great life, a great wife. Everyone has something stellar in their life that they are forgetting or just plain overlooking. They have a decent house, or great friends, or a supportive family, or a good job, or a fun hobby, I mean we don’t need everything to be perfect.
Gregory: I know. Sometimes when I feel like I am whining over something stupid, I try to step back and realize that I could be a kid in Darfur missing both of my arms, starving and hungry and next up to be raped.
Dustin: Jesus dude, way to ruin a good conversation!
Gregory: What? Just sayin…
