The World's Worst Baker

For years I have been plagued with the notion that I am in fact the World’s Worst Baker.  Growing up, I often found myself alone in the kitchen somewhat scrounging for food.  No, I wasn’t some charity case, bare cupboards, latchkey kid… but in some ways, looking back on it with the prospective of a grown man, I indeed was.  Mom worked extremely hard to keep us clothed and fed.  She worked second shift for a good portion of my teen years, while also going to school for her degree.  As kids, my brother and I came to know leftovers as our best meals, but often we either cooked canned foods or microwave dinners on our own.  And I, with an insatiable sweet tooth, loved making boxed brownies and cookies off the Toll House recipe on the back of the bag.  However, that was the extent of my baking ability. 


Truth be told, I love cooking on a stovetop.  I love being able to immediately change my food with a sprinkle of cayenne or basil, taste test every moment, and put my nose up close and smell the juices meld into the dish.  The idea of measuring and prepping and not opening the oven door for 15 straight minutes is hard to stomach.  And then enter into my life three incredible bakers.  Sherré who makes these giant ginger cookies, and I am not one that ever liked ginger, but these with a moist crunch and dense buttery flair of what I never knew ginger could be, they made me sad that I couldn’t be trusted to follow a recipe.  Then Lisa whose coconut toffee cookies and banana bread became legal tender that put today’s gold standard to shame.  And her German Chocolate Brownie Torte is still number one on the all-time top five of “Oh My God” foods.  And now Lora’s scones, which ruined my perception of the dense and dry baked hockey pucks depicted as television fodder.  They emanate golden light as if their main ingredients were halos and unicorn horns.  These bakers became my only source of glory, yet each of them played it off as if they were just following a recipe.

So my big idea: Follow a recipe. 

This, after the fact, is laughable.

I woke up this morning craving scones.  And knowing that neither Lisa nor Lora would be able to accommodate these cravings (both very busy) I decided to make my own.  After all, I did see Paula Dean make scones on TV last weekend, and she made it look very easy.  So with an empty stomach and a fist full of laptop, I found myself the first recipe on Google’s search.  And there it was, Apricot Ginger Scones.  It called for apricots, crystalized ginger, and heavy cream.  And since I didn’t have any of those I figured what the hell I’ll wing it.  I believe it was 3 minutes and 28 seconds into my idea of following a recipe that I decided to no longer worry about a recipe.

Substitutes… well there was no fruit in the house, dried or fresh.  Instead, thanks to my roommates “go to” pie (yes even my roommate can bake) we had ample supplies of walnuts and chocolate chips.  And then was born a new recipe for Chocolate Chip Walnut Scones!  Still no heavy cream… in fact I stopped drinking milk all together about 8 weeks ago, but we do have Soy Milk, and I’m sure that’s… close… enough?  With all of my substitutes completed, I found myself half a stick of butter shy of my buttery needs, so spreadable butter with canola oil would have to do.  And not the frozen butter the scones called for… I’m not waiting for room temperature butter to freeze, I’m frickin’ hungry now!
If you’re keeping track at home, I have basically changed 2/3rds of the recipe… but I did use the right amounts of sugar, flour, baking powder, and salt… well maybe not salt (I eyeballed that one), but basically all the dry goods.  Here’s what I came up with:

Chocolate Chip Walnut Scones

2 cups (10 ounces) unbleached all-purpose flour
1 tablespoon baking powder
1/4 cup sugar
1 teaspoon ground ginger some chopped walnuts
1/2 teaspoon salt some salt
6 tablespoons unsalted butter, frozen and cut into 1/4-inch cubes ½ stick room temp butter with 2 scoops of buttery spread
3/4 cup chopped moist dried apricots some chocolate chips
1/4 cup crystallized ginger, roughly chopped
1 cup heavy cream 1 cup soy milk

I mixed the dry goods, then poured in the soy milk and cut pieces of butter into the sticky ball.  And you know what, it actually smelled delicious!  I then got my hands dirty and gently kneaded the dough for about 30 seconds.  I pounded out the ball into a 10 inch wide circle on a floured surface, then cut the dough into 8 wedges and baked them at 425 for 14 minutes.  I didn’t even open the oven door… more than 4 times.

So you read this far… what do you think?  Were they horribly dry, 2 inch thick, flour tortilla chips with a walnutty aftertaste?  Or were they incredible nuggets of Easter bunny hearts, still warm and flaky?  Well I can tell you this… I never thought I’d like It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia… I mean Danny DeVito is over the hill and that theme music from 50’s television, what’s up with that!?  But, for me, Charlie Day is just really watchable as an idiot… kinda the way I expect people felt about Gilligan back in the day.