Dustin's Top 30 Christmas Classics

Christmas! It can mean so many things as an adult… between shopping for expensive gifts that will likely be returned, fighting with an uncaring employer just to get two freakin’ days off, listening to nonstop horribly redone Christmas songs on the radio, and driving cross state or country to be with a family you choose not to visit 364 days of the year… who can blame you for launching a turkey leg at Grandma in the middle of your Christmas feast, then storming off for the nearest bar??

Why can’t Christmas be simple, like it used to be, viewed through our childhood eyes. Filled with decorating fresh cut Christmas trees, wrapping gifts with elaborate paper and bows, driving round town to visit the best outdoor Christmas lights, building gingerbread houses, decorating sugar cookies, carolers, snow angels, and a loving family huddled around a tv watching that one quintessential Christmas classic that fits your family to a tee.

I say we can! We can become children again, regain that glimmer once shared by your whole 2nd grade class as it wrote out a Christmas list for Santa. I know reclaiming Christmas spirit may sound impossible, but I come from a truly Fucked Up family. I was once a casualty of Christmas, probably after Grandma gave me a basket of used hair care products for Christmas. Now, if my spirit drops during the taint of the holiday season (no longer Thanksgiving, but not quite Christmas), I pick a movie from my Christmas top 30, and I veg.

For your viewing pleasure, I have listed my top 30 Christmas classics. However, these are not in order of greatness or rewatchability, they are in the order I plan to watch them. One year, in the not so distant future (2015 to be exact)… I plan on watching these movies, one a day, every day, from Thanksgiving through Christmas. Here is the order in which they will play:

Thanksgiving Night – Christmas Night (30 days ‘til Christmas 2015)

1. Trading Places (1983) – Thanksgiving Night
Dan Aykroyd and Eddie Murphy trade places, from bum to millionaire stock broker. This might also be the only movie on this list with breasts.

2. Serendipity (2001)
Just enough magic for this John Cusack and Kate Beckinsale romance to be convincing.

3. Lethal Weapon (1987)
Veteran cop Danny Glover must cope with the acts of his new renegade partner played by Mel Gibson. Features the best Christmas tree lot shooting scene, ever.

4. Just Friends (2005)
Ryan Reynolds used to be fat, but now he’s thin, successful, and after his HS dream girl played by Amy Smart. Can he overcome his own ego to snag the woman of his dreams?

5. Elf (2003)
Will Ferrell thinks he’s an elf, more importantly Zooey Deschanel sings like an angel. I think I might be in love with this woman.

6. Grumpy Old Men (1993) – December 1st
Jack Lemmon and Walter Matthau fight over a neighbor lady that just moved in. Burgess Meredith steals the show though as an off color Grandpa hitting on women in the produce department.

7. Jack Frost (1998)
Michael Keaton plays the role of a caring father, only… he is aLsO A SNOWMAN!

8. Love Actually (2003) – My 36th Birthday
Probably the Ocean’s Eleven of love stories and on many personal top 10 lists of all time. Too many great actors/actresses to mention, this film will make you fall in love, with everyone.

9. Die Hard (1988)
Bruce Willis is John McClane, the only hope 30 hostages on the 30th floor of the Nakatomi Plaza have for survival. One problem, he doesn’t have shoes! “Nine million terrorists in the world and I gotta kill the one with feet smaller than my sister.”

10. Die Hard 2 (1990)
John McClane just can’t catch a break. Terrorists took over the Dulles Airport, and the cops just towed his mother in-law’s new car! Honestly though John, who is going to loan you a car after Live Free, Die Hard?

11. Eight Crazy Nights (2002) – First Night of Hanukkah
Adam Sandler plays an animated jackass Jew that needs a Hanukkah miracle to turn his life around.

12. Miracle on 34th Street (1947)
Santa becomes institutionalized, but gets himself a lawyer, and Christmas is saved! Let’s see Johnnie Cochran do that! This movie has been redone a handful of times, but in this case, the original is the best.

13. Scrooged (1988)
Based loosely on Dickens’ Christmas Carol, this version is just a little more fun. Bill Murray is about to be visited by three Christmas spirits. No it isn’t Ghostbusters 5!

14. Silent Night, Deadly Night (1984)
What holiday would be complete without a horror story? Well, Christmas would… but screw that! In this early 80’s horror classic, as a boy he watched as his parents were slaughtered by a burglar in a Santa suit. Now a grown up Billy finally snaps, grabs his own Santa suit, and goes on a killing spree.

15. Gremlins (1984)
Live pets are the greatest gift anyone could get for Christmas… that is, unless they kill you!

16. Rent (2005) ~ The: Filmed Live on Broadway (2008) version is better in my eyes, but to each their own.
Following the lives of bums in the East Village that refuse to pay rent, this musical will pluck at your heart strings. However I do not recommend this movie for people who are against gays or bums or bohemians or free speech or…

17. Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone (2001)
One day you're just a Muggle living under the stairs, the next day you're riding a broomstick and chasing a Snitch... where does the time go?

18. A Charlie Brown Christmas (1965)
This cartoon may lack machine guns and sexual innuendo, but Charlie gets it right in the end, learning the true meaning of Christmas. Because this is a short “film,” I would likely add to it with the following:

18a. The Star Wars Holiday Special (1978)
That’s right, they made a Holiday Special. George Lucas has done everything aside from nuclear attack to hide this hideous step child of the Star Wars dynasty. In this horror, we follow Chewie to his home to Kashyyyk where they celebrate Life Day (the real beginning of politically correct holidays!). If the soft core wookie porn doesn’t get you, the insane singing guest spots will.

19. The Preacher’s Wife (1996)
This is a remake of The Bishop’s Wife (1947), but I’m going with the newer version this time to inject a little Denzel into the holiday. Washington plays an angel named Dudley coming to answer the prayers of a troubled Reverend.

20. Beautiful Girls (1996)
Classic homecoming movie featuring some great talent including a young Natalie Portman dishing out sage advice. This is probably my favorite “not really a Christmas” Christmas movie.

21. The Santa Clause (1994)
Tim Allen kills Santa Claus, now he must BECOME Santa Claus!

22. How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966) – My Brother’s 39th Birthday
The Grinch steals Christmas from Whoville… literally! He like goes down the mountain with a magical sack, and steals EVERYTHING! Can you say Original Gangster? Yeah this one has been redone, but why mess with perfection. Again, because this is a short “film,” I would likely add to it with the following:

22a. A Garfield Christmas Special (1987)
Garfield, Christmas… need I say more?

22b. Mickey’s Christmas Carol (1983)
Throw one more Scrooge on the ol’ Christmas fire! In this classic retelling, Scrooge McDuck is… well… Scrooge. Same story, same ghosts, this time they are just Disney cartoons.

22c. Frosty the Snowman (1969)
He’s ALIVE!!!

23. National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation (1989)
Clark Griswold is depending on a good Christmas bonus this year so he can give the family a new pool, will it happen? This film, in all its comedy, damn near captures family Christmas to perfection, and depicts the reason there are so many holiday themed alcoholic drinks. Eggnog anyone?

24. White Christmas (1954)
Back to the classics with Bing and Danny Kaye who in their endeavors after leaving the Army find themselves at a struggling lodge in Vermont owned by their old commanding General. One of the greatest Christmas musicals ever.

25. Sleepless in Seattle (1993)
Tom Hanks, Meg Ryan, Empire State Building, Apocalypse. (Okay, no Apocalypse) Hanks plays Sam who after a year and a half is still struggling with the loss of his wife. Through some convincing from his meddling son, Sam spills his guts on national radio, and all the sudden he is the biggest stud in the US. Proof women really do want the sensitive guy.

26. The Night They Saved Christmas (1984)
Yeah good luck finding this one! A made for TV movie in the mid 80’s, this flick is about an oil companies attack on the North Pole! Those bastards! Can Santa convince the oil exec’s family to save his village?

27. Home Alone (1990)
Macaulay Culkin plays Kevin, the black sheep of the McCallister family, and is accidentally left behind while the family flies to France for Christmas. With the home empty, Kevin must fend off several burglary attempts from a pair of halfwit robbers.

28. The Family Stone (2005)
This movie features the family we all want, but will never have. The prodigal son returns to ask for mother’s wedding ring so he can propose to a woman everyone in the family despises. Ahh Rachel McAdams, if only you were a slobby wreck in real life…

29. A Christmas Story (1983) – Christmas Eve
Good luck avoiding this movie on Christmas Eve… might as well just succumb to its masterful look at Christmas in the 40’s. Throw on your favorite pink bunny pj’s and take a shot every time someone say’s “You’ll shoot your eye out;” the proper way to prepare for Christmas.

30. It’s a Wonderful Life (1946) – Christmas Day
If anyone ever tries to revamp this movie, they will be shot dead. This is the best Christmas movie ever made. You haven’t seen this movie? Well come to my place on December 25th 2015 and grab a spot on the couch, we’ll watch it together.

Merry Christmas Everyone!!!
And feel free to add your own Christmas and Not So Christmas favorites to the end of this list.

“Now I have a machine gun. Ho Ho Ho.”