Review of 2013

For me, 2013 was a blur... so I've decided to recap it for myself. I'm sure I am forgetting a few things, so if you see anything I forgot, please point it out. Here is what 2013 looked like for me:

Whirled Affairs

Double Feature

Man of Steel
Pacific Rim
The Family
Gravity



Beer in Headlights
Beer Bread
Beer Dip
Beer Brownies
Beer Crust Pizza




Game Over

Super Mario 3
Mutant League Football
Atari Lynx


Shorts

Shai
Christmas Fast Food

Books

Sex and Baseball

Amazon
Barnes & Noble
Google Store

Card Games

Short Sale game in testing
Pregnant Hillbillies ready for testing
Bring Out Your Dead ready for testing

Philanthropic

Meals on Wheels - Time
http://www.makahwaterforall.org/ - Donation
United Way - Donation
Radiothon WWSP - Donation
Kiva - Donation
Kickstarter - Donation
Goodwill - Donation

Hands on Help

Jerome’s roof
Nick’s move
Lisa’s move
Derek's Bathroom
Maren's new window
New Mailbox

Learning to Cook

Beef Bourguignon
Grilling Lobster Tail
Searing Scallops
Chocolate Truffles
Oatmeal Cream Pies
Frittatas

Gatherings

Trivia 2013
Festivus Trivia
Dad’s Trivia
Wine and Cheese
4th of July
Die Hard Double Feature
Gingerbread Houses
Star Trek Movie Marathon

Randoms

2 Aces
100 hole day
Standing Rocks Open
Fridays Grill Brewers Game
Several Rafters Games
Over 800 holes of disc golf
Hanging with the Snyders
Wing Nights

Setbacks

Rufus Illness
Bronchitis
Lack of Dating
Still working a normal job

Recap of 2012 Resolutions

My last reflection of 2012 is a recap of my New Year’s Resolutions.  I had a 10 point list with multiple steps per point.  Well… that was overkill.  I would rate myself at about 68% on the year.  I completed 6 and half completed the other 6.  Here’s a quick recap:

Blog – I was aiming for 12 blog entries, and I completed this task.

Fitness – I wanted to join Adventure 212 and go 100 times last year, I made it to about 38 times.

Home Projects – I wanted to complete a few of these, instead I worked on some outdoor projects to improve the lawn and make lawn maintenance easier, then the sun decided to burn everything.

Massages – I was supposed to get 4 of them, but I decided to stop after 1 just because of the cost.  I did however get a 15 minute chair massage at work once a month.

Christmas Lights – I cut my number from 5000 lights down to 1200 lights, but we did successfully revamp Derek’s Christmas light display.

Family – Failed here… pretty much complete failure… spent time with Dad and Joyce but no time with extended family.

Vacation – I kicked the crap out of this one.  Having never gone on vacation before, I had one hell of a time in Florida, then also went to Comicon in Chicago, and slept over at Dad and Joyce’s for a night and at Steve and Kristin’s.

Finish Stuff – Yup another failure, I didn’t finish any of my card games, I did however create a new one, and I plan on having the newest one completed by this summer, with a working prototype.

Dates – My goal was 9 dates, I made it out on about 5… I am calling that a success as the previous year I did zero dating.

Discing – I wanted to hit 1000 holes and disc in 10 of 12 months.  I made it out every month except for January and February but I only disced about 850 holes.  On the bright side, I discovered a love of night discing.

Save Money – Well I’d say this was a success, however for every dollar I saved through changes in insurance or gas costs, I spent 3 dollars on things I probably didn’t need.

Bro – Oh yeah, my bro and I definitely got out a lot this last year.  We even spent a night in Milwaukee hitting a brewery boat tour and a Brewers game with our friend Justin.  Saw a couple of movies, went to Matt Kenseth’s fan club party, got his race used tire signed by Matt, he hosted a couple of movie nights, we played some games, got out bowling, out to a few meals, and played a little pool.  It was a good year.

So there you have it… looking back I feel a bit better, I think I’ll up my grade to a C+ somewhere around a 77%.  However, I am not going crazy with this year’s resolutions.

The Next Best Thing: A Baker in the Making

The Next Best Thing: A Baker in the Making: In life, I am horrible at picking “the best” or “my favorite” instead electing to use the High Fidelity method of choosing a top five (and...

My Next Hero

My next hero will be a hero because of their ideas, because of their strength of character, because of their willingness to do the right thing at all cost.  Ideally they’ll have all of the following things straight, and not only will they believe these things but they’ll have the heart and balls to say them.
 

1.       Believes in the trickle up economy.  If money goes to those at the bottom, they can afford rent which goes to those in the middle who can in turn afford new cars which fuels the corporations creating jobs and eventually that money makes its way back to the top. 

2.       Understands that they are not perfect, they do not know everything, and they are willing to admit their faults, failures and mistakes.

3.       Wants universal healthcare, education, and retirement for everyone.

4.       Believes your 401k is the biggest Ponzi scheme ever created.

5.       Wants to leave marriage alone as religious ceremony, and instead pursues civil unions as the government accepted form of commitment, allowing it for any two humans.

6.       Knows the evils of grain and pharmaceutical companies and is willing to call them out.

7.       Believes in fixing America before fixing other countries.

8.       Doesn’t have money… wants money but is willing to wait until after their public service to make it, and is not willing to sell themselves while in office.

9.       Knows that spreading the word of a religion is not a charity, and from here on out organizations like this need to pay taxes.  With that said, giving to a religion is not a charitable donation.  But at the same time they understand that religions can be charitable, can be an outstanding pillar for their community.

10.   Shit, at this point I’m pretty sure I’ve ruled everyone out… I’m just gonna have to do it myself.

What I wish someone would say, and maybe a little of what I would say...

I may not be what everyone in this state is looking for in a candidate, that's not lost on me.  Our state is divided in a way that we have never seen before.  I know the last year has been a hard one for most Wisconsinites, for most Americans, and jobs and healthcare and taxes are weighing on your mind. Answers to these things will come, but not at the cost of our humanity, not at the cost of our community spirit, and not at the cost of our children’s futures.  I’m not here to prove to you that my idea is better, or smarter... I am here to speak of my passion for Wisconsin.  I grew up in a small town of about 5000 people, and I understand what high school sports and marching bands and art classes mean when you're growing up. I live for the small communities, the back road highways, and the incredible foliage this state displays.  I know what main street programs can do to revitalize our towns and cities.  Wisconsin is my home, my favorite state in the union, but she is torn, and she needs our help to heal.  And you know what, if that means raising taxes I'll do it.  I will.  But I'll do it minimally and I'll do it to the corporations and those who can afford to pitch in... not to the middle class, and certainly not to those less fortunate than that.  I am not here to take away your money, nor your rights.  My favorite freedom is the freedom of speech, it's what allows me to talk to you today... but I would never take away your right to defend yourself, or your right to own a gun.  I may not hunt, but I respect those that do.  Wisconsin is a state of responsible outdoorsmen, but guns aren't only for hunting.  Who am I to prevent you from defending yourself?  No, I will not take that away.  And I also know the bravery of the men and women in our armed forces and the sacrifice that they commit to, and to give them anything less than the respect they have earned is offensive.  They die to protect our freedoms and in their spirit I will do my best to protect those freedoms here in Wisconsin.  Never again will anyone feel so neglected, so beaten, and so mute that they must gather by the thousands and protest on our capitol.  We must all have a voice for democracy to succeed.  We must all have voices and opinions and we must also compromise for the good of our neighbors.  We must support each other, and when one of us falls we need to pick them up, pick them up and move forward together until they can walk on their own.  No more bullying, no more shoving, no more throwing people or parties under the bus, not in our home, not in Wisconsin.

Because we’re truly just a bunch of whiny rich kids...

Gregory: So I read your blog the other day, and I felt like you were talking shit about me… what gives man!?

Dustin: What can I say?  I’m petty.  I judge you for talking behind other people’s backs, and I do it while talking behind your back.  That makes me a complete hypocrite.  But don’t worry!  You are petty too.  You’re petty in that right now you are saying “At least I’m not as petty as other people.”  Yeah, that’s you being petty again, Greg. 

Gregory:  Whatever jerk, I’m not that petty.

Dustin:  Listen.  It’s too easy to attack friends, too easy to judge you because I’ve got a front row seat… and as if that wasn’t good enough, you let me behind the curtain.  Friends will let you see the mess that they are hiding, and then you’ve got but two options.  No, really it’s just the two… One, I judge you to your face.  Two, I judge you behind your back.  I’m going to do it.  I don’t know if it has always been this way but it’s human nature now, an unstoppable force.  I know I am going to talk behind your back.  I know I am going to be petty.  I know I am going to be a hypocrite.

Gregory: Well ain’t that a bunch of bullshit.  If you know you’re going to be petty, you can totally stop yourself.  If you know you’re going to talk behind my back, just stop uttering words and it won’t happen.

Dustin: I would still be thinking it.  I would still be judging you.  You’re right, it’s better not to say the words.  But in my brain, the words are said either way.

Gregory: Well in your brain they don’t hurt as much.

Dustin: Touché…

Gregory: So why, why Dustin are you such a huge douche bag?

Dustin:  Listen, can you calm down with the hostility.

Gregory: Fuck you, you’ve got two minutes to change my mind or I am done with you for good.

Dustin: Alright, alright, fine… I always go back to the same argument.  Two of my best friends are seemingly now republicans.  For me it’s like they’ve gone from intelligent to insane over the last couple years.  These days, it’s hard to befriend someone with opposing values because you wear your friends like badges on a Boy Scout uniform.  You can go to my facebook page right now and see all of my badges, every bat shit crazy friend that I’ve got.  And every day they post something, I might agree, I might disagree, it could be profound or prove to me that they are a complete moron.  And then every day I watch the “news” and see how opposite republicans and democrats are supposed to be.  Like separating blacks and whites, girls and boys, Red Socks fans and Yankees fans.  It infiltrates our better judgment. 

Gregory:  Get to the point already…

Dustin: The point is, two of my best friends are republicans, and honestly I hate it.  I want to grab them and shake them and fill them with knowledge, but instead I talk shit about them, I persecute them in my head.  Some to their face, some behind their backs...  and I’ve known them for years, if they were like this in the beginning I would have never become friends with them.

Gregory: You’re losing me.

Dustin: You don’t get it?  They’re still my friends… I would kill for these people.  They are two of my best friends and if need be I’d beat some bitches up for them.  Yet I still talk shit, and I judge.  I’m petty, I’m hypocritical… hypercritical… and now I’m going to tell you that it’s okay.

Gregory: How the fuck is that okay?  You’re not my friend if you’re judging me!  I would never do that to you.

Dustin: Well you’re judging me right now for my opinions, aren’t you?  Either agreeing or disagreeing.  If you stop being my friend over this, and state that you are making a moral stand against being hypercritical, then aren’t you just being hypercritical?  Will you honestly never talk about me behind my back, ever again?

Gregory: Well that’s different… you obviously threw the first stone.  You blogged about me for Christ’s sake!

Dustin: Greg, I’ve known you for years.  Decades actually!  Are you telling me that you have never, not once, in all the years, ever said a bad word about me.  Never even though a bad word about me???

Gregory: Fuck decades ass hole.  Those didn’t count.  I never hurt you like this.

Dustin: So that’s a yes?  You’ve talked shit about me, you’ve disagreed with me, you’ve blamed me for shit and never said a word about it to me?

Gregory: Yea, but like I said, that was different…

Dustin: You’re right, it was different.  You didn’t blog the shit for all seven of your followers to see it.  But I bet you’ve told people my secrets.  I bet you’ve shared bad opinions about me with others.

Gregory: Yeah, but I’ve told people good things about you too!  I am always telling people how you’re a good friend.  And when you watched my dogs that one weekend when I had my grandma’s funeral, I mean you really helped me out there man.  But I expect things like that from my friends, I expect a certain level of compassion towards me… your friend.

Dustin: So now it’s okay for you to judge me behind my back, talk shit about me, tell my secrets, have high expectations of me, and you are still morally on the high ground?

Gregory: Well how is it okay for you to do it?

Dustin: Because we all do it.  We are all dumb for two seconds and let something slip.  We are all amped up after a disagreement and talk shit to the wrong person.  We all have opinions and sometimes push them in the wrong ways and directions.  We all do it.  I know that I do it, and I can forgive you before, during, and after you do it… because I’ve been there, I’ve been the jerk, the ass hole, the douche bag, and I forgave myself.

Gregory: Damn it… how can I forgive you?  It’s still not cool.

Dustin: No, you’re right… and I will try to catch myself more often before I say bad shit, no promises other than I will try.  And you know damn well I don't mean to hurt you... I am sorry if and when I hurt you, always.

Gregory: Decades man… yeah I know.  I do it too.  And you're probably right, it's petty.  Alright, I admit it... I am petty.  I am sorry too man... I've been hypocritical, and shit I can't believe I would have thrown our friendship away for something I do at the same time.

Dustin: Hey I can’t blame you, I mean we are seriously wired for drama now days.  I don’t know if it’s just too much tv and reading fiction novels, or if it’s the “news” or just that we aren’t challenged anymore because failure isn’t death, failure is bankruptcy or bad grades or losing a job or girlfriend.  We think our lives are impossible, our dreams unreachable, our friends not good enough, our families too judgmental, our jobs fall short, and nobody understands our plight. We have unreasonable expectations of life, and it feels like we create drama to fill the voids.

Gregory: No yeah I think you’re right.  Hypercritical is the right word.

Dustin: Hey, I am just happy we could work this out.  I don’t want to have that drama between us, we are lucky.  I am lucky to have you as a friend.

Gregory: Thanks man, and I know what you’re saying about the drama.  I do have some unreasonable expectations.

Dustin:  Yeah man, you’ve got a great life, a great wife.  Everyone has something stellar in their life that they are forgetting or just plain overlooking.  They have a decent house, or great friends, or a supportive family, or a good job, or a fun hobby, I mean we don’t need everything to be perfect.

Gregory: I know.  Sometimes when I feel like I am whining over something stupid, I try to step back and realize that I could be a kid in Darfur missing both of my arms, starving and hungry and next up to be raped.

Dustin: Jesus dude, way to ruin a good conversation!

Gregory: What?  Just sayin…

The World's Worst Baker

For years I have been plagued with the notion that I am in fact the World’s Worst Baker.  Growing up, I often found myself alone in the kitchen somewhat scrounging for food.  No, I wasn’t some charity case, bare cupboards, latchkey kid… but in some ways, looking back on it with the prospective of a grown man, I indeed was.  Mom worked extremely hard to keep us clothed and fed.  She worked second shift for a good portion of my teen years, while also going to school for her degree.  As kids, my brother and I came to know leftovers as our best meals, but often we either cooked canned foods or microwave dinners on our own.  And I, with an insatiable sweet tooth, loved making boxed brownies and cookies off the Toll House recipe on the back of the bag.  However, that was the extent of my baking ability. 


Truth be told, I love cooking on a stovetop.  I love being able to immediately change my food with a sprinkle of cayenne or basil, taste test every moment, and put my nose up close and smell the juices meld into the dish.  The idea of measuring and prepping and not opening the oven door for 15 straight minutes is hard to stomach.  And then enter into my life three incredible bakers.  Sherré who makes these giant ginger cookies, and I am not one that ever liked ginger, but these with a moist crunch and dense buttery flair of what I never knew ginger could be, they made me sad that I couldn’t be trusted to follow a recipe.  Then Lisa whose coconut toffee cookies and banana bread became legal tender that put today’s gold standard to shame.  And her German Chocolate Brownie Torte is still number one on the all-time top five of “Oh My God” foods.  And now Lora’s scones, which ruined my perception of the dense and dry baked hockey pucks depicted as television fodder.  They emanate golden light as if their main ingredients were halos and unicorn horns.  These bakers became my only source of glory, yet each of them played it off as if they were just following a recipe.

So my big idea: Follow a recipe. 

This, after the fact, is laughable.

I woke up this morning craving scones.  And knowing that neither Lisa nor Lora would be able to accommodate these cravings (both very busy) I decided to make my own.  After all, I did see Paula Dean make scones on TV last weekend, and she made it look very easy.  So with an empty stomach and a fist full of laptop, I found myself the first recipe on Google’s search.  And there it was, Apricot Ginger Scones.  It called for apricots, crystalized ginger, and heavy cream.  And since I didn’t have any of those I figured what the hell I’ll wing it.  I believe it was 3 minutes and 28 seconds into my idea of following a recipe that I decided to no longer worry about a recipe.

Substitutes… well there was no fruit in the house, dried or fresh.  Instead, thanks to my roommates “go to” pie (yes even my roommate can bake) we had ample supplies of walnuts and chocolate chips.  And then was born a new recipe for Chocolate Chip Walnut Scones!  Still no heavy cream… in fact I stopped drinking milk all together about 8 weeks ago, but we do have Soy Milk, and I’m sure that’s… close… enough?  With all of my substitutes completed, I found myself half a stick of butter shy of my buttery needs, so spreadable butter with canola oil would have to do.  And not the frozen butter the scones called for… I’m not waiting for room temperature butter to freeze, I’m frickin’ hungry now!
If you’re keeping track at home, I have basically changed 2/3rds of the recipe… but I did use the right amounts of sugar, flour, baking powder, and salt… well maybe not salt (I eyeballed that one), but basically all the dry goods.  Here’s what I came up with:

Chocolate Chip Walnut Scones

2 cups (10 ounces) unbleached all-purpose flour
1 tablespoon baking powder
1/4 cup sugar
1 teaspoon ground ginger some chopped walnuts
1/2 teaspoon salt some salt
6 tablespoons unsalted butter, frozen and cut into 1/4-inch cubes ½ stick room temp butter with 2 scoops of buttery spread
3/4 cup chopped moist dried apricots some chocolate chips
1/4 cup crystallized ginger, roughly chopped
1 cup heavy cream 1 cup soy milk

I mixed the dry goods, then poured in the soy milk and cut pieces of butter into the sticky ball.  And you know what, it actually smelled delicious!  I then got my hands dirty and gently kneaded the dough for about 30 seconds.  I pounded out the ball into a 10 inch wide circle on a floured surface, then cut the dough into 8 wedges and baked them at 425 for 14 minutes.  I didn’t even open the oven door… more than 4 times.

So you read this far… what do you think?  Were they horribly dry, 2 inch thick, flour tortilla chips with a walnutty aftertaste?  Or were they incredible nuggets of Easter bunny hearts, still warm and flaky?  Well I can tell you this… I never thought I’d like It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia… I mean Danny DeVito is over the hill and that theme music from 50’s television, what’s up with that!?  But, for me, Charlie Day is just really watchable as an idiot… kinda the way I expect people felt about Gilligan back in the day.

Number 9 on my Top 5

So I decided to include dating when writing my New Year's Resolution list... Number 9 on my top five.  I've decided to avoid Match.com because it's a waste of money, and I made the Craigslist mistake once too... not again!  So I am sticking to Plenty of Fish, a free online dating site.  Online dating has worked for a few friends, and I've met a few incredible women online, so here's to hope!  Now all I had to do was write a catchy profile, and for this I've gone with an adaptation of sorts from an idea that was used on Craigslist to find a roommate (search Best Roommate Ever).  I did use this at one point in the past, but I've tweaked it a little (and when I did use it, I honestly wasn't even ready to date).  So here goes!  You can also see this on my POF profile, WassilyArcs.

POF Profile for WassilyArcs
I can only assume that my future is reading this right now, so hello for the first time my wonderful better half (can I also say, you are looking really damn good tonight!)... and for those of you reading that are not her, well thank you for stopping by and feel free to say hello, I am all for new friends and you're obviously really cool. I must also assume you are looking for the best possible guy. He's funny, he's handsome, and there's just enough spark to keep you happy. And you (just like I) seriously think you can find them in a random webpage profile. Friends might even ask you, as they have me, "Are you ****ing crazy?" Well, I'm not crazy... and I hope this is a positive in your eyes. I also have no open warrants, no random babies running around, no outstanding parking tickets, never spent a night in jail (though I secretly wish I had), and I've only been caught speeding once. Does this mean I am some sort of perfect do gooder, **** no... I'm just not all that dangerous.

Now why would you believe me? A lot of guys just tell you what you want to hear. Why? Well they want to get in your pants. Do I want to get in your pants? Of course! You're a foxy woman, and after a few dates I am going to romance those pants right off... but until then, I promise to be a gentlemen (well, mostly). What about after the loss of said pants... am I going to run for the hills? No! I just spent several dates getting to know you, I'm not leaving, I'm probably going to want breakfast... my treat! And if all goes well at breakfast, another date! So... am I lying? I can't lie to you... not because it's wrong, but because I know it would hurt you... so I can't mentally do it. This goes for pretty much everyone in my life (excluding work). That means no cheating and no stealing too, cause I just can't lie to you.

So why am I worth your time? I'm going to spend my life trying to make yours better, everyday. You have a flat tire, I'm there. You're hungry and we forgot to go shopping, I'm creating a three course meal dinner impossible style, or calling your favorite take out place, your choice. You think I forgot our anniversary? PSYCH! I get you a thoughtful gift and take you to dinner (minimum)... and I skip any other social obligation because you are the person that matters most. Christmas? I got you that thing you mentioned you wanted 8 months ago in passing, cause yeah I was ****ing listening. Is that all I got you, hell no... 23 gifts from big to small, romantic to practical, I covered all the bases. You had a bad day at work, well sit down and talk to me about it, I'll make you a drink and rub your feet (and yeah my foot massage will turn your day around). You think the bathroom is too small, well I just ripped down a wall and expanded, putting in a two person jacuzzi, grab the champagne cause it's time to relax! You want to go on vacation, well let's burn some personal days and head to Monaco! It's warm, it's on the water, it has tons of history and Paris isn't that far away!

With all that said, am I some mamby pamby pushover? sh*t no, I just make exceptions for the love of my life. I want to come home and give you a hug after my day, and spend time with you, even hear what's new with that coworker of yours. I am out the door when you need time alone, and home when you want to cuddle while watching How I Met Your Mother. I split the chores with you, but I secretly do more just to make your life easier. I split the bills with you, and I pay early. I take you out to just as many dinners as you take me to. I can cook meatloaf, salmon, chicken masala... you're a vegetarian??? I am studying how to cook for you right now... and I can't say I'll give up meat, but I will certainly eat less of it!

What are the dealbreakers? Well I am me, and though I will change a little for you over time, you might not like some things about me. I will divulge these now. I voted for Obama, support a woman's right to choose, and think that gay people should have the same rights as everyone else. I am not overly political, but I do believe we should vote and pay attention. I believe in a greater power, but I'm not here to judge your beliefs or force mine on you. Can I see both sides, yes... and if I am missing one, I will damn sure try to learn. Kids, yes I would love to have kids... in a perfect world. But if the love of my life doesn't want kids, then I chose the love of my life. There are so many other areas in life to spend effort and time, and kids would be fun but so would 3 vacations a year. I drive a crappy car, why? Because I'd rather drive a crappy car to a home I own, than drive a nice car to an apartment. Do I smoke, no... it's disgusting. Do I do drugs, no but I am not anti-drug. Do I drink, sometimes... and I like it, but I know my limits.

Now that this has been said, I like ambiance, good lighting, booths over chairs, windows, I prefer Life over Monopoly by far, but I would really love to find someone that plays a little cribbage or backgammon or Settlers of Catan or Ticket to Ride, I enjoy going to Brewers games, and went to two this summer, I try to grill out or have a bonfire at least once a month, I haven't missed a Packer game on TV or Radio in the last 20 years, I have picked pumpkins from the pumpkin patch and carved them with friends every year for the last four years, I get a real Christmas tree every year, and decorate it with whomever might be around that day, I have two guitars that haven't been played in 2 years, but I still want to learn, I enjoy oil paints over acrylic and watercolor, though I really don't paint that often, it is my goal to play tennis once a week this summer, as well as disc golf twice a week, and hit the gym 4 times a week. I grew vegetables this summer in my garden (yeah that's right, a ****ing garden!). If I had to choose, my drink of choice would be water (no, that doesn't make me boring). Milk is a close second (still not boring!), a good beer is third (right now I'm craving a Central Waters Cream Ale). I love writing, I consider myself a writer. I also love cooking, my favorite thing to make is pan seared crusted salmon with a dijon dill dipping sauce, I make a better meatloaf than your mom (if you don't believe me, we'll duel Iron Chef style!). Vegetable of choice: broccoli.

Someday I want to be a successful writer, win a few awards, and have a huge bank account, until then I will struggle through my cubicle life with just enough money to be happy. In the end, that dream is still just a job. In life I find love much more important. That's where you come in. Have I told you how good you look today?


Why do I like you so much? You know how to relax and love to get out into sunlight and rainstorms. You enjoy boardgames, movies, tv, and are willing to play tennis, maybe even disc golf, build a snowman or sandcastle, and you introduce me to something new every once in a while. You're a woman that loves me for the best version of me, and sticks with me when I'm at my worst. And just so you know, the worst of me still comes with respect, devotion, doesn't cheat, doesn't lie, and has your back at all cost. The best of me is better yet, and you make me even greater.

So I like that you are a procrastinator, but send me a message already!

A Man's World

That last button at the brink of the collar just before you put on a black bowtie… it’s tight, you go from comfort to custom, a uniform of modern wedding culture.  And yes, of course, the classic James Bond comes to mind, but more than that you’re one part night club sleek badass ladies man with a gun under his vest, and the other part leashed lap dog dressed up for show and freshly neutered.  Sure you’ll have Bond moments throughout the evening but this wedding isn’t yours, it’s a ladies affair filled with flowers and pictures, bubbles and dancing.  The closest you’ll get to feeling like a man is that one shot you’ll do with some old college buddies, and before you can set up a second round it’ll be time to mingle, MINGLE with your new in-law grandparents.

I have no desire to go to another cliché girly wedding just to watch the groom slip into a walking coma unable to enjoy more than an ounce of his wedding night.  You know he won’t even get laid tonight, she’ll be way too tired after such an exhibition.  Maybe it’s time we spin this party round, and make sure the groom has a little fun before his demise.

Drinks, dinner, cake, dancing… none of the classics will be touched.  After dinner, lavish curtain are pulled back on seven makeshift rooms surrounding the main party.  These seven wonders are filled with different celebratory atmospheres. The first room will house the wedding cake and an espresso bar with a barista to take your orders.  The second room, a photo booth with costumes, props, and a photographer to assist in taking pictures.  The third will have couches and three televisions, each with a different game (Goleneye for N64, Mario Kart Double Dash for Gamecube, and Tekken Tag for PS2).  The fourth room will have hundreds of pictures from birth to proposal of the bride and groom along with a signing photo.  The fifth will be set up for beer pong, cups, and quarters and have its own keg of beer.  The sixth room will be a massage parlor with two massage therapists, tantalizing scents, and 15 minute chair massages.  And the seventh room will serve as a private sitting space where the bride and groom can disappear whenever they need a few moments of time together or to talk with special guests.

Seven wonders, and not all of them just for the boy inside the man, but seven wonders of compromise to be enjoyed by all ages and partygoers.  And though they sound expensive, once you get rid of half the flowers, the overpriced dress, centerpieces, photographers, and cakes, the cost will be about the same… and your wedding will be more memorable than any affair I’ve ever been to.  This is a man’s world, and I revel in the though… but it would be nothing, nothing, not one little thing without a woman or a girl.

New Years Resolution UPDATES

This will be the blog post I use to make updates to my New Years Resolution list... the other blog post was entirely too long.

New Year’s Resolution 2012:
1. Write at least 1 blog post every month. Yes this is one less per month than last year’s goal, but it only doubles what I’ve done already, so it feels like the right number. Eventually I would like to blog weekly.  UPDATE - I AM WRITING ONE NOW!!  I also wrote one in February.

2. Join a fitness club and go no less than twice a week, also go vegetarian for 2 full weeks. I really like the idea of going vegetarian for a few weeks (this one is inspired by Derrick and Sherre, and I may need some help with it). I think it will challenge me as a chef, and teach me a few new healthy meals. Also I need to put fitness in the forefront of my life, so instead of setting arbitrary weight loss goals, let’s just work out.  UPDATE - I JUST JOINED ADVENTURE 212 WITH NICK N, AND SEVERAL OTHERS ARE JOINING TOO... GOOD SUPPORT SYSTEM.
UPDATE - 5 weeks strong.

3. Three Home Projects, Basement Paint, Basement Floor, Bathroom Counter. Home projects are game changers! Completing another basement room means I have more storage to reduce clutter, and a nicer basement to attract new roommates. A new bathroom counter is the start of redoing a bathroom that thoroughly needs it, and I’d like to create my own tile bathroom counter, so it will challenge me artistically as well.  UPDATE - The date is set for the Basement floor... now I just have to choose what to put down.

4. Get 4 massages and take 4 car loads of stuff to Goodwill. I needed a few softballs in my lineup, and this is a split. Four massages seems easy, but it will improve my overall state of relaxation, and I think that is very important. Four carloads of stuff to Goodwill is much tougher, but the reduced clutter will help create a better home life.  UPDATE - WHEN JOINING ADVENTURE 212, I RECEIVED HALF OFF A MASSAGE... Used it, great 90 minute massage.

5. Use 5000 lights for Christmas decorating. Softball? Maybe… but 5000 lights is double my best Christmas lighting year at the house and this year I only used about 1000 lights. This should give me an attainable creative goal in the early winter months. Also, my house has the saddest Christmas lights on my street... time to show them who's Tony.  UPDATE - BOUGHT SOME NEW CARDINALS WITH CHRISTMAS LIGHTS IN THEM.

6. Get 6 members of the family to stay overnight in Point. This goal isn’t easy. My family is fucked up beyond repair, but it would be great to have some family members up, and have a nice old fashioned family vacation style night with the cousins and aunts and uncles…

7. Spend 7 nights out of town, represent The Globe at Comicon, and spend nights at both Kristeve’s house and Roger’s house. So Comicon is the big one, that’s 3 nights out of town minimum, but I haven’t stayed over much at Kristin and Steve’s, and still haven’t seen Roger’s house or kiddo. Now, with that said, I haven’t seen Katharine and Drew in ages, or Laura, or Derrick’s new baby boy, or the Felder’s house… that list could go on for a while. Let’s start with these and see if we can get further.  UPDATE - ONE OF MY FAVORITE PEOPLE IN THE WORLD SNAGGED ME A 7 NIGHT STAY IN A FLORIDA CONDO FOR $250!  SO THAT WILL TAKE CARE OF 7 NIGHTS RIGHT THERE, BUT ALSO COMICON IS A GO!!!

8. Finish 8 things I’ve started, including Pregnant Hillbillies and Bring Out Your Dead. I am a brilliant idea man, but I rarely finish anything. It’s time to start.  UPDATE - TRACY HAS HOOKED ME UP WITH ALL THE PH DRAWINGS, AND I PURCHASED NEW INK AND CARDSTOCK TO START PRINTING THE PROMOS.

9. Go on 9 dates and stop being overly cautious with my dating choices. Well it’s true, I am way too cautious… it’s time to open up a bit, see what the world brings me.  UPDATE - I AM BACK ON POF... TELL YOUR FRIENDS!
UPDATE -  Off of POF again, just didn't feel right...


10. Throw 1000 holes of Disc Golf in at least 10 months of the year. I was so very close this year, and now with more vacation and less overtime I think I can achieve this goal.  UPDATE: JB HOOKED ME UP WITH A SAN MARINO STAR ROC, OH YEAH!
UPDATE - I missed February and January, so I have to go 10 for 10 in the next 10 months...

11. Save $1100 from intuitive cost changes. This one is right in my wheelhouse, and I will report my savings to you and maybe inspire you to do the same. I will be starting with my homeowner’s insurance, assholes jacked up my rates for next year by 200 bucks!  UPDATE -  I SAVED $382 THIS YEAR BY SWITCHING MY HOMEOWNERS AND CAR INSURANCES, AND THE COVERAGE IS ALMOST EXACTLY THE SAME.

12. Do 12 major things with my bro. I enjoy spending time with my bro, so this one would probably happen even if it weren’t on my New Year’s Resolution list… but I want to get him out to a few major events if we can find the right timing.  UPDATE - FIRST MOVIE NIGHT OF THE YEAR IS SET FOR BRO'S BASEMENT.  UPDATE - First movie night went great!  Setting up a possible Brewers game for the end of January.

New Years 2012

I’ve done a lot of thinking (mostly due to The Walking Dead series) and if a zombie apocalypse occurs I call on you to gather all your guns, food, water, and supplies and meet me at that Ashley furniture place in Plover next to the Wal-Mart. We’ll board it up, use the tower as a snipers nest, steal our food from Wal-Mart, grab any needed hardware from Lowes, clothes from Kohl’s, and keep the cats and dogs fed with Petco supplies. Throw in some solar energy panels and I think it might just work!

That was my biggest daydream in the cold turd soup that was 2011.  But it's a Moo point now... as some would say... a cow's opinion, because it’s 2012 now bitches! The end is here!!!!! The zombies are on their way, Wall Street and Main Street are on fire, the Moon is on a collision course with Earth, and little green men just shoved a probe up your!!!... but more importantly, since we’re all doomed to hell on earth, remember to cherish your friends and family just a little bit more this year. Shit, and I was going to build a fallout shelter last summer...

You’d think since I only completed 4 of last year’s resolutions (and half completed another 4), that I might make a shorter list this year. Well fuck that! I’m a go-getter, driven and confident and such, like you read about. No seriously!  I am... for today at least. And this year I don’t have the albatross of a cell phone company ruining my life. Still, I’m happy with the accomplishments I reached in 2011, even if most of them were not on my list. Here’s a rundown of last year:


2011 New Year’s Resolution List:
1. Movie Script: I didn’t complete one like I was supposed to, but I did add about 6 pages to a started script, and started a third script.

2. Perform a Marriage Ceremony: Check bitches! What I meant to say was… yes I performed an elegant ceremony for Steven and Kristin Stilp at Olbrich Gardens in Madison. It was a very nice event, and I was happy to be a part of it. I don’t know two better people than Steven and Kristin… (check bitches)

3. Replace Basement Pipes: I replaced about 45 ft of pipes in the basement, this is well over half of the pipes down there, and takes care of 4 major leaks. Sadly, it caused another major leak due to poor pipe construction by the previous owner. I will end up fixing this issue in 2012 but did not add it to the resolution list.

4. Blog at least twice a month: I only blogged about 6 times in 2012, but I really want to blog more often. I will add it to the 2012 list.

5. Complete Pregnant Hillbillies: Well I did zero work on PH this year, and Tracy has been incredible in getting me all of the drawings! I’ll kick this one forward to 2012.

6. Gardening: Farmville scmarmville, check this one off the list! The tomato crop was wonderful this year, and I am hoping the strawberry patch takes off in 2012. I will certainly garden in 2012, but no need to throw it on the new list.

7. Brew 20 gallons of beer: I brewed about 10 gallons on my own, and helped in the bottling and brewing process with batches at Matt’s and Jerome’s which accounted for another 20 gallons. I’m calling it a victory!

8. Lose 35 lbs: Well I was down about 15 lbs after a good start in January, but all was gained back. I will revamp this plan and add it to 2012.

9. Build a Cat/Tree House: Nope… not even close. This doesn’t make it onto the 2012 list, but I really do want to build one someday.

10. Cover Art for Globe Comic: I will do you one better, Roger found an awesome artist named Mick, and Mick has already inked several pages. He should have the cover done shortly, and the full book done by August. You will see Globe make an appearance on the 2012 list as well.

11. Spend 3 nights in a row not at home: Such a weird item to have on my list, but if you know me, you know I hate sleeping in any bed that isn't mine.  I didn’t complete this one, however I did spend 2 consecutive nights out of town, and several single nights out, I just never fit in a 3 night stay. It will happen in 2012 though!

12. Read 3 books: This was the least likely to be completed… and of course I failed. I did start one book, I think I’m on page 14 of Andre Agassi’s biography. Sadness washed over the Dude…

Not on the 2011 List:
1. I disc golfed over 800 holes in 2011 including a 100 hole day with Rod and Terry.

2. I found a new job at Delta Dental slashing my daily commute in half, reducing my work hours by 16 a month, cutting work related stress down to nearly zero, adding health insurance, dental insurance, and a pension, and after all of that I’ll still be pulling in more money than I made at Solarus.

3. I got my bro out of town for a night, to a Matt Kenseth signing, out discing once, out to a few movies, helped facilitate him having Justin up for a weekend, got him out to a Brewers Game, had two movie nights in his new basement living room, completed most work on his basement pad, and might have gotten him hooked on some gaming.

4. We had a very successful year of Trivia, as a team we took 25th place (our first top 30 finish) and personally, my Stone Team was the first car to collect at every stone (no other cars were even in sight when we collected our stamps, we were just that good).

5. I took 2 trips to Goodwill, 4 trips to cardboard recycling, and 1 trip to the dump to get rid of crap from the house.

6. Dan and I added a 30 ft planter box to the side of the garage.

7. I helped Rod build a grooming area for Lora in their basement and distributed some of her business cards.

8. I helped Mandy build two walls and hang two doors in her basement to create a living space for her roommate.

9. I helped my mother begin work on their main bathroom remodel.

10. I created an entirely new card game called Bring Out Your Dead that I am really excited about, all the rules and cards are written, just need to get the artwork done.

11. I built a cat bathroom in my basement to help contain their stank.

12. I wrote Episode 2 of Globe with Roger and had a Skype meeting with Mick.

13. I took batting practice at Witter Field with Derrick, Mark, Nick, Terrance, and Carrie.  Easily one of the biggest highlights of the year.

14. I wired new electrical outlets throughout the basement to relieve some circuit issues.

15. I wrote a kick ass personals ad receiving hundreds of responses.

16. I’m probably forgetting several other decent things, but my Yes to No ratio was easily 5 to 1, and I am very proud of that.

And finally, the 12 things I expect to do this year...

New Year’s Resolution 2012:
1. Write at least 1 blog post every month. Yes this is one less per month than last year’s goal, but it only doubles what I’ve done already, so it feels like the right number. Eventually I would like to blog weekly.

2. Join a fitness club and go no less than twice a week, also go vegetarian for 2 full weeks.  I really like the idea of going vegetarian for a few weeks (this one is inspired by Derrick and Sherre, and I may need some help with it).  I think it will challenge me as a chef, and teach me a few new healthy meals. Also I need to put fitness in the forefront of my life, so instead of setting arbitrary weight loss goals, let’s just work out.

3. Three Home Projects, Basement Paint, Basement Floor, Bathroom Counter. Home projects are game changers! Completing another basement room means I have more storage to reduce clutter, and a nicer basement to attract new roommates. A new bathroom counter is the start of redoing a bathroom that thoroughly needs it, and I’d like to create my own tile bathroom counter, so it will challenge me artistically as well.

4. Get 4 massages and take 4 car loads of stuff to Goodwill. I needed a few softballs in my lineup, and this is a split. Four massages seems easy, but it will improve my overall state of relaxation, and I think that is very important. Four carloads of stuff to Goodwill is much tougher, but the reduced clutter will help create a better home life.

5. Use 5000 lights for Christmas decorating. Softball? Maybe… but 5000 lights is double my best Christmas lighting year at the house and this year I only used about 1000 lights. This should give me an attainable creative goal in the early winter months.  Also, my house has the saddest Christmas lights on my street... time to show them  who's Tony.

6. Get 6 members of the family to stay overnight in Point. This goal isn’t easy. My family is fucked up beyond repair, but it would be great to have some family members up, and have a nice old fashioned family vacation style night with the cousins and aunts and uncles…

7. Spend 7 nights out of town, represent The Globe at Comicon, and spend nights at both Kristeve’s house and Roger’s house. So Comicon is the big one, that’s 3 nights out of town minimum, but I haven’t stayed over much at Kristin and Steve’s, and still haven’t seen Roger’s house or kiddo. Now, with that said, I haven’t seen Katharine and Drew in ages, or Laura, or Derrick’s new baby boy, or the Felder’s house… that list could go on for a while. Let’s start with these and see if we can get further.

8. Finish 8 things I’ve started, including Pregnant Hillbillies and Bring Out Your Dead. I am a brilliant idea man, but I rarely finish anything. It’s time to start.

9. Go on 9 dates and stop being overly cautious with my dating choices. Well it’s true, I am way too cautious… it’s time to open up a bit, see what the world brings me.

10. Throw 1000 holes of Disc Golf in at least 10 months of the year. I was so very close this year, and now with more vacation and less overtime I think I can achieve this goal.

11. Save $1100 from intuitive cost changes. This one is right in my wheelhouse, and I will report my savings to you and maybe inspire you to do the same. I will be starting with my homeowner’s insurance, assholes jacked up my rates for next year by 200 bucks!

12. Do 12 major things with my bro. I enjoy spending time with my bro, so this one would probably happen even if it weren’t on my New Year’s Resolution list… but I want to get him out to a few major events if we can find the right timing.

So there it is… a list including 9 areas of wellness meant to keep me active in all four seasons. She’s gonna be a tough one, but I’ve got a few more months before the world ends. And hey, if you want to help out with anything on this list, I would love to have you… and if you need help with yours, just ask.

Last Chance Fancy Ribs

So I've decided to kill you. Yup, you were talkin' trash and now I have found that there's no other choice. You must die. What's that, you know those ribs are poisoned?? Curses!!! All that good bbq sauce gone to waste! Well then I'll just have to make something you can't stop from eating, something that simply smells too good for you to avoid.

I know you like Lobster Bisque, and Baked Alaskan is already to die for... but I'm killin' on a budget here! And yes, we did have a few good times, you and I. So maybe I don't want to feed you gruel or scalloped potatoes. So what's the answer to this killer conundrum? I have it! Let's fancy up those ribs...

Phase 1: Gathering the Troops
1 1/2 lbs Country Style Spare Ribs
1 Beer
1/4 cup Olive Juice (Dude, you were gonna just throw it out!?)
1/2 tbsp Minced Garlic
Salt
Pepper
10 Fresh Thai Basil Leaves
1/2 tsp Powdered Cayenne Pepper
1/2 tsp Red Curry Powder
1 White Onion (sliced fairly large)
2 tbsp Molasses

Combine all of these ingredients as a marinade. Place the spare ribs in the marinade and let them sit at room temperature for 30-60 minutes.

Phase 2: The Nose Knows
1 can Diced Tomatoes (loosely drained)
1/8 cup BBQ Sauce (Famous Dave's has just the right tanginess)
Salt
Pepper
6 Sweet Basil Leaves
1 tbsp Italian Seasoning
1/2 tsp Powdered Cayenne Pepper

Combine all of these ingredients with about half of the marinade (minus the spare ribs) in a blender, blend until pureed and season to smell. Yeah that's right, use your nose, if it needs more pepper or curry or basil, add it!

Phase 3: Trojan Horse
1 cup Cherry or Grape Tomatoes
2 cups Broccoli Florets
Our Marinade
Our Puree
Our Spare Ribs

Place the spare ribs in a casserole dish, touching as little as possible. Slice 1 cup of cherry (or grape) tomatoes in half, and scatter them into the dish. Place a good deal of the onions from the marinade on top of the spare ribs. Arrange broccoli florets in a ring around the edge of the dish and pour puree over everything, make sure florets get some coverage as well. Bake at 350 for 2 hours. If you'd like, substituting potatoes, carrots, or other vegetables is fully acceptable. I've chosen broccoli florets because they soak up more of the sauce, and well... you'll know why that's important in about 2 hours.

Phase 4: Death
When you take the spare ribs out of the oven, they should still hold their shape but be tender enough to tare with a fork. Be sure to serve them with a good dose of the sauce and serve with bread, again... you're gonna want to soak up that sauce. Oh, and don't poison the whole dish... that's just stupid.

To the Man Walking on the Grass Between Gutter and Sidewalk

You remind me of the 80's flick token Chinamen
with a badass moustache and long black hair
showing off nun chuck skills in action flicks,

only…

30 years later
after a failed life of crime and three kids
pushed him into working a third shit factory job.

Now at 8am, walking home feeling freedom's
sunlit dewy grass on the heels of his shoes, conflicted,
still scorned from never finding easy living.

I want to live one day as you do,
to know if that's pain
or contemplation on your face.

And now you're promised decent pay
by a company that hasn't given a raise in six years
or paid taxes in five.

Nothing trickling your way but higher bills,
worthless health insurance,
and a bank that wants their house back.

They redistributed your 401k…

I hope you're not offended,
I don't know you...
you're probably not Chinese.

But I envy that strength I see in your face,
even if it's just in these fifteen minutes
found walking home on the grass
between gutter and sidewalk.

The Journey to Enlightenment

AKA: Chicken Tikka Masala

It began not with my first taste of Indian food as ironically I had frequented a local Taste of India celebration, but never had I tried Tikka Masala. It wasn’t till my now ex girlfriend Renee ordered in Indian food for our first of many “Indian Take Out and a Movie” nights. To her I owe this dish, and I owe my culinary enlightenment.

They call it a gravy which to a boy who grew up with Thanksgiving turkey seems ridiculous. If Tikka Masala were poured from a gravy boat, I would insist on gold. At the same time, I’ve been overheard more than once stating that I would drink it from a glass on it’s own, so really the method of delivery is moot. Before today I had made two lone attempts to create Tikka Masala, and before today I was a student of these savory flavors. But the day has passed, and now I feel I am ready to teach.

You’re going to need a beer, like so many of my other recipes, well no… you’re going to need two. And while you’re grabbing that, here’s the rest of the list:

1 beer for drinking
1 beer for marinating
1 package of Flatbread or Pitas
1 lb boneless chicken breast
3 cups broccoli florets
1 cup long grain rice
1 can diced tomatoes
1 white onion
1 cup heavy cream
2 tbsp olive oil
2 tbsp molasses
2 tbsp Chicken Masala
1 tbsp butter
1 tsp Red Curry
Salt
Pepper

First cut the chicken breasts into pieces no larger than 1 inch square, throw them into a bowl and pour in your marinating beer. Let them sit for at least 15 minutes. Preheat the oven to 350 degrees. Spray some olive oil or cooking spray on to a cookie sheet. Remove the chicken from the beer and place the pieces onto the sheet, try to space them out enough to cook thoroughly. Now throw them in the oven for 15 minutes.

While they are cooking, put a 12 inch skillet on medium heat with 2 tablespoons of olive oil and a tablespoon of butter. Dice the white onion and throw it into the skillet. Let them sweat for a bit, flipping and adding salt and fresh ground pepper to flavor. Once the onions have taken a slight bit of color, add the entire can of diced tomatoes, juice and all. Allow to cook for 2-3 minutes stirring as needed. Shake in red curry to your spice level, for me about a teaspoon is perfect. Add 2 tablespoons of chicken masala to the skillet and mix. Now slowly add the cup of heavy cream, stir while adding.

At this point take the skillet off the heat and let it sit for a minute before adding it to a blender. Blend till the tomatoes are fully incorporated into the gravy. Pour the gravy back into your skillet and reduce the heat to it’s lowest setting. Now stir in the molasses and add the broccoli florets. Cover and let simmer. It should be just about time to take the chicken out of the oven. Once the chicken is done, remove all pieces from the sheet and add them to the gravy. Cover and allow to simmer on low. Put your rice in a rice cooker, and once the rice is done (about 10 minutes) the broccoli should be tender. Combine rice with chicken, broccoli, and gravy and devour.

Wait! Now that you’ve tried the Masala, you’ve found that you need something to soak up that remaining gravy. For this, grab a pita or flatbread of some kind, toast it in the oven or give it a quick grill on the stove, cut into four pieces and you have your final gravy scooping tool. Grab that beer, and enjoy your enlightenment.

Pessimist’s Destiny

Pessimist’s Destiny
If I stole a yoyo and learned to walk the dog
Harry, the dog, he'd wind up licking my palm.
I'd steal him that bike from ET's girl, Drew Barrymore,
Harry'd be my shotgun, hop in the bucket, flowers and all.

Didn't like her then, why'd we like her now all Smashley Simpson
with her roller coaster barrel roll hydrogen bomb hair.
Just cause she makes waffle homes and sings Beach Boys poems,
please, love ain't that fair.

We'd round the world, Harry and I, a man and his best friend.
Like a flying saucer planet hop grind and whip hip hit and jammer
till the pinwheel drops and daisies flop down the staircase,
or would we take the elevator instead…

Our suicide catch a freehand meltdown diving kamikaze into hell.
And in the end, I'd start the fire, screw this pacifist piss.
Zipper up tower down watch the world burn to the ground,
devour those last moments in Armageddon's lips.

New Years Resolution List

It's 2011 bitches, 1 year before the end! How are you gonna spend your year? Building a fallout shelter? Good luck! Stockpiling ammo and food supplies? Probably not a bad idea in case Zombies take over... Getting sober? Well fuck that, I say drink up... shit's about to hit the fan!

Before apes invade, before the moon collides with the earth, before a third world war or the second big bang... I just need to get some things straight! Here's my list of shit to do in 2011:

1. Complete a Movie Script
Right now I have started a few, but it's time to really sit down and write!

2. Perform a Marriage Ceremony
Steven Stilp and Kristin Kelley are getting married on June 10th this year, and have asked me to oversee the ceremony.

3. Replace pipes in Basement
There are a few leaks down there, and before I finish the ceiling in the Bar, I need to reroute some pipes. I also need to change out the sacrificial rod in the water heater. There's a good deal of plumbing for 2011.

4. Blog at least twice a month
Well I am getting closer to this goal, and I do need a creative outlet of some kind... so this one should be plausible.

5. Complete promo set for Pregnant Hillbillies
Tracy has done a great job of completing the illustrations for this set; I just need to sit down and build the cards, then complete the rules, and finally print everything out for testing.

6. Fill all four garden beds and use at least 50% of what grows
Well I built the garden beds, might as well fill them huh? My step mom has pledged me a good deal of strawberries, Dan has taken some interest in gardening, Sherre is going to help me plan the veggies, and I may just give away one of the plots to any friends without enough room for their own garden. Ideally this will be a communal friends and family garden.

7. Brew 20 gallons of Beer
Well I have the Mr. Beer kit right now, with 7 gallons of beer ready to go. However, I would like to purchase a 5 gallon ale pail so I can take a little more responsibility in my brewing. Matt has one, and I am helping him with his first brew there, seems easy enough!

8. Lose 35 lbs
I have joined a team for the 2011 Community Weight Race in Stevens Point, and this goal seems a bit lofty, but attainable. After all, I did build a decent little gym in my basement, just have to use it more often!

9. Build a Cat Tree/House
I've always wanted to try my hand at a cat tree... time to start! My cats are cool, they deserve a functional play tower. So, I am going to gather some good carpet scraps, and design a cool cat tree house for them.

10. Get the cover art for Globe finished
If I can't get someone to complete this by the end of the year, I am gonna have to do it myself! I can draw, but it will take me forever to do a decent job.

11. Spend 3 nights in a row not at home
I know, weird right? But I haven't spent more than 2 nights away from my home in over 10 years. It's time to take a vacation, even if it's just to the Dells.

12. Read 3 books
Yeah I know, this is the craziest thing on the list. If you know me, you know my lack of reading ability. So here goes. I will read 3 books this year. In fact, I will read the first three books posted in comments to this blog. 1 book suggestion per person, and if no one comments (highly likely) I will choose three on my own. Make'em good people!

So there is my list for 2011, sounds tough but I am going to complete it 100%! Oh and if you are getting sober, please continue to do so... we'll tackle the Apocalypse together!

Dustin's Top 30 Christmas Classics

Christmas! It can mean so many things as an adult… between shopping for expensive gifts that will likely be returned, fighting with an uncaring employer just to get two freakin’ days off, listening to nonstop horribly redone Christmas songs on the radio, and driving cross state or country to be with a family you choose not to visit 364 days of the year… who can blame you for launching a turkey leg at Grandma in the middle of your Christmas feast, then storming off for the nearest bar??

Why can’t Christmas be simple, like it used to be, viewed through our childhood eyes. Filled with decorating fresh cut Christmas trees, wrapping gifts with elaborate paper and bows, driving round town to visit the best outdoor Christmas lights, building gingerbread houses, decorating sugar cookies, carolers, snow angels, and a loving family huddled around a tv watching that one quintessential Christmas classic that fits your family to a tee.

I say we can! We can become children again, regain that glimmer once shared by your whole 2nd grade class as it wrote out a Christmas list for Santa. I know reclaiming Christmas spirit may sound impossible, but I come from a truly Fucked Up family. I was once a casualty of Christmas, probably after Grandma gave me a basket of used hair care products for Christmas. Now, if my spirit drops during the taint of the holiday season (no longer Thanksgiving, but not quite Christmas), I pick a movie from my Christmas top 30, and I veg.

For your viewing pleasure, I have listed my top 30 Christmas classics. However, these are not in order of greatness or rewatchability, they are in the order I plan to watch them. One year, in the not so distant future (2015 to be exact)… I plan on watching these movies, one a day, every day, from Thanksgiving through Christmas. Here is the order in which they will play:

Thanksgiving Night – Christmas Night (30 days ‘til Christmas 2015)

1. Trading Places (1983) – Thanksgiving Night
Dan Aykroyd and Eddie Murphy trade places, from bum to millionaire stock broker. This might also be the only movie on this list with breasts.

2. Serendipity (2001)
Just enough magic for this John Cusack and Kate Beckinsale romance to be convincing.

3. Lethal Weapon (1987)
Veteran cop Danny Glover must cope with the acts of his new renegade partner played by Mel Gibson. Features the best Christmas tree lot shooting scene, ever.

4. Just Friends (2005)
Ryan Reynolds used to be fat, but now he’s thin, successful, and after his HS dream girl played by Amy Smart. Can he overcome his own ego to snag the woman of his dreams?

5. Elf (2003)
Will Ferrell thinks he’s an elf, more importantly Zooey Deschanel sings like an angel. I think I might be in love with this woman.

6. Grumpy Old Men (1993) – December 1st
Jack Lemmon and Walter Matthau fight over a neighbor lady that just moved in. Burgess Meredith steals the show though as an off color Grandpa hitting on women in the produce department.

7. Jack Frost (1998)
Michael Keaton plays the role of a caring father, only… he is aLsO A SNOWMAN!

8. Love Actually (2003) – My 36th Birthday
Probably the Ocean’s Eleven of love stories and on many personal top 10 lists of all time. Too many great actors/actresses to mention, this film will make you fall in love, with everyone.

9. Die Hard (1988)
Bruce Willis is John McClane, the only hope 30 hostages on the 30th floor of the Nakatomi Plaza have for survival. One problem, he doesn’t have shoes! “Nine million terrorists in the world and I gotta kill the one with feet smaller than my sister.”

10. Die Hard 2 (1990)
John McClane just can’t catch a break. Terrorists took over the Dulles Airport, and the cops just towed his mother in-law’s new car! Honestly though John, who is going to loan you a car after Live Free, Die Hard?

11. Eight Crazy Nights (2002) – First Night of Hanukkah
Adam Sandler plays an animated jackass Jew that needs a Hanukkah miracle to turn his life around.

12. Miracle on 34th Street (1947)
Santa becomes institutionalized, but gets himself a lawyer, and Christmas is saved! Let’s see Johnnie Cochran do that! This movie has been redone a handful of times, but in this case, the original is the best.

13. Scrooged (1988)
Based loosely on Dickens’ Christmas Carol, this version is just a little more fun. Bill Murray is about to be visited by three Christmas spirits. No it isn’t Ghostbusters 5!

14. Silent Night, Deadly Night (1984)
What holiday would be complete without a horror story? Well, Christmas would… but screw that! In this early 80’s horror classic, as a boy he watched as his parents were slaughtered by a burglar in a Santa suit. Now a grown up Billy finally snaps, grabs his own Santa suit, and goes on a killing spree.

15. Gremlins (1984)
Live pets are the greatest gift anyone could get for Christmas… that is, unless they kill you!

16. Rent (2005) ~ The: Filmed Live on Broadway (2008) version is better in my eyes, but to each their own.
Following the lives of bums in the East Village that refuse to pay rent, this musical will pluck at your heart strings. However I do not recommend this movie for people who are against gays or bums or bohemians or free speech or…

17. Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone (2001)
One day you're just a Muggle living under the stairs, the next day you're riding a broomstick and chasing a Snitch... where does the time go?

18. A Charlie Brown Christmas (1965)
This cartoon may lack machine guns and sexual innuendo, but Charlie gets it right in the end, learning the true meaning of Christmas. Because this is a short “film,” I would likely add to it with the following:

18a. The Star Wars Holiday Special (1978)
That’s right, they made a Holiday Special. George Lucas has done everything aside from nuclear attack to hide this hideous step child of the Star Wars dynasty. In this horror, we follow Chewie to his home to Kashyyyk where they celebrate Life Day (the real beginning of politically correct holidays!). If the soft core wookie porn doesn’t get you, the insane singing guest spots will.

19. The Preacher’s Wife (1996)
This is a remake of The Bishop’s Wife (1947), but I’m going with the newer version this time to inject a little Denzel into the holiday. Washington plays an angel named Dudley coming to answer the prayers of a troubled Reverend.

20. Beautiful Girls (1996)
Classic homecoming movie featuring some great talent including a young Natalie Portman dishing out sage advice. This is probably my favorite “not really a Christmas” Christmas movie.

21. The Santa Clause (1994)
Tim Allen kills Santa Claus, now he must BECOME Santa Claus!

22. How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966) – My Brother’s 39th Birthday
The Grinch steals Christmas from Whoville… literally! He like goes down the mountain with a magical sack, and steals EVERYTHING! Can you say Original Gangster? Yeah this one has been redone, but why mess with perfection. Again, because this is a short “film,” I would likely add to it with the following:

22a. A Garfield Christmas Special (1987)
Garfield, Christmas… need I say more?

22b. Mickey’s Christmas Carol (1983)
Throw one more Scrooge on the ol’ Christmas fire! In this classic retelling, Scrooge McDuck is… well… Scrooge. Same story, same ghosts, this time they are just Disney cartoons.

22c. Frosty the Snowman (1969)
He’s ALIVE!!!

23. National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation (1989)
Clark Griswold is depending on a good Christmas bonus this year so he can give the family a new pool, will it happen? This film, in all its comedy, damn near captures family Christmas to perfection, and depicts the reason there are so many holiday themed alcoholic drinks. Eggnog anyone?

24. White Christmas (1954)
Back to the classics with Bing and Danny Kaye who in their endeavors after leaving the Army find themselves at a struggling lodge in Vermont owned by their old commanding General. One of the greatest Christmas musicals ever.

25. Sleepless in Seattle (1993)
Tom Hanks, Meg Ryan, Empire State Building, Apocalypse. (Okay, no Apocalypse) Hanks plays Sam who after a year and a half is still struggling with the loss of his wife. Through some convincing from his meddling son, Sam spills his guts on national radio, and all the sudden he is the biggest stud in the US. Proof women really do want the sensitive guy.

26. The Night They Saved Christmas (1984)
Yeah good luck finding this one! A made for TV movie in the mid 80’s, this flick is about an oil companies attack on the North Pole! Those bastards! Can Santa convince the oil exec’s family to save his village?

27. Home Alone (1990)
Macaulay Culkin plays Kevin, the black sheep of the McCallister family, and is accidentally left behind while the family flies to France for Christmas. With the home empty, Kevin must fend off several burglary attempts from a pair of halfwit robbers.

28. The Family Stone (2005)
This movie features the family we all want, but will never have. The prodigal son returns to ask for mother’s wedding ring so he can propose to a woman everyone in the family despises. Ahh Rachel McAdams, if only you were a slobby wreck in real life…

29. A Christmas Story (1983) – Christmas Eve
Good luck avoiding this movie on Christmas Eve… might as well just succumb to its masterful look at Christmas in the 40’s. Throw on your favorite pink bunny pj’s and take a shot every time someone say’s “You’ll shoot your eye out;” the proper way to prepare for Christmas.

30. It’s a Wonderful Life (1946) – Christmas Day
If anyone ever tries to revamp this movie, they will be shot dead. This is the best Christmas movie ever made. You haven’t seen this movie? Well come to my place on December 25th 2015 and grab a spot on the couch, we’ll watch it together.

Merry Christmas Everyone!!!
And feel free to add your own Christmas and Not So Christmas favorites to the end of this list.

“Now I have a machine gun. Ho Ho Ho.”